Fact Check

When confronted with data, it is immeasurably easier to accept the data as true rather than to verify its authenticity.  With the above being true, it becomes laughably simple to coerce or prod people into action simply by stating a number that sounds logical or believable enough to make the process of thoughtful fact checking seem like a  wasteful pursuit.  The more logical the guess, the better chance one has of duping ones readers, listeners, students, etc.        

For example, quantifying the premature fish deaths due to theft deterrent devices at a big box retailer by stating 1 in every 5 fish will die because people fail to lift the fish over said devices, is actually quite believable.  To test this, walk into your favorite big box retailer and find an unsuspecting dupe… er…. customer, unwittingly walking the path toward premature fish death.  Now, inform them that if they do not lift the fish over the theft deterrent devices their fish will die.  Every one of them, without fail, will lift them over.  After all, no one wants to be a pet killer, and seldom will anyone who is motivated in this way ever make sure what they were told was accurate.  If they did fact-check the above claim, they might realize they have a better chance of accidentally inhaling their fish, bag and all, then killing them by scanning them for theft deterrent tags.

One cannot simply accept at face value the numbers with which we are presented on a daily basis, but we need statistics to evaluate the world in which we live.  The two seem to be unable to coexist; the one hand promoting an agenda with numbers that we cannot and should not trust without verifying, and the other hand wanting us to act without thinking.  The idea is to not dismiss all statistics as bad, but learn how to judge the good from the bad.  This includes making the assumption that social statistics are used by people to present a cause and give it statistical backing to make it more prominent in peoples minds.

            Just remember that the mathematically inclined are destined for greatness, while a

numerically challenged society has a forty percent chance of dying in a vacuum cleaner accident and

I have the stats to prove it.

Don't Look at the Boogers.....

Have you every noticed a booger hanging from someones nose?  Gross, right?  You have three options to handle this... well, 4 options really, but getting it for them is not really a good option.

Firstly, you can ignore it.  Although, that's kinda like trying to ignore Mr. Plumbers Crack at the hardware store, or the bug walking across the television screen.

Another option is to pick at your own nose while staring pointedly at the person, and at certain intervals, clear your throat while nodding in their direction while opening your eyes in an 'I can't believe you are just letting that hang out of your nose' manner.

Last option, and the most effective, is to just tell them...

'Hey man.... you have the most ginormous booger hanging out your nose.  You're going to want to get that taken care of'

Odd Sayings - Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

The English language is full of funny quirks.  None the least of which are colloquialisms.  These are sayings that are part of local speech, but not necessarily used elsewhere.  For example, the contraction y'all.  Combining 'you' and 'all' is ever present the further south in the United States you go.  It is used in the following ways -

When referring to one person - Are y'all going to the mall?

When referring to a group of two or more - Are all y'all going to the mall?

It's great, and it shows that English is a langauge that is alive and growing.  It does, however, grow mold.  For example, one of my pet peaves is when someone says something like this -

"Well, that's a whole 'nother thing".

Which begs the question, what is a half 'nother'?

What other colloquialisms are prevelant in your neck of the woods?  :)

Neutering Christmas

Recently a story ran about a non-religious group who took offense of a banner that ran across a street in Pitman, NJ.  The offending banner stated simply, 'Keep Christ in Christmas'.

Four simple words about a holiday that is celebrated by more than a billion people worldwide caused a group based in Madison, Wisconsin to send a letter demanding the mayor of the city to take the sign down.

“Our purpose is to protect the fundamental constitutional principle of separation of state and church.  The government cannot in any way promote, advance, or otherwise endorse religion. The Christ banner unmistakably endorses the Christian faith.”

Time could be spent explaining to this group that 'separation of church and state' is not a constitutional principle, but a quote from Thomas Jefferson that has been used to back up religious discrimination like this, but it is doubtful that this group would be receptive.  In fact, their response was to continue to discriminate, harass, and defame Christians specifically and God fearing people in general by creating their own banner -

“There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell ... Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”

The above is considered civil and intelligent, while reminding believers to keep Christ in Christmas is hateful and State promotion of religion.

It is truly amazing to see the change that is wrought in our society by an overly sensitive culture.  Where once their was civility and respect, there is now enmity and outright hatred exhibited by our fellow men.  People with opposing views on religion will no longer willingly seek out common ground.

The neutering of Christmas has been going on for a very long time, and it continues today.  Corporations large and small no longer have Christmas parties, simply Winter/Holiday parties.  This happens despite the fact that you are having a party in December around Christmas and likely have for a long time simply because Christmas is in December.

Perhaps if those who do not believe in Jesus Christ used some of His teachings in their lives, we might come to a place of mutual respect at last.  Until then, offense will be taken when no offense is intended, and we will further distance ourselves from the reason for the season... Hope, Peace, and Good Will Toward Men.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnd We're Back!!!!

Due to events/circumstances beyond my control....

Well, not so much events or circumstances, and when I say beyond I mean within and by control, I mean... well, control.

So to restate, due to non events and non circumstances that are well within my control, I haven't posted.  I have now removed said non events/circumstances because as I stated before, they are/were within my control.

There.  Clear?

WTHIUWT Part 3 - Infomercials

WTHIUWT Part 3 brings us to one of the biggest issues with TV today; infomercials.  There is a local channel that many of you may have heard of, especially if you have younger kids.  The channel is Qubo, and it has many shows that my kids love to watch.  The one and only gripe I have about Qubo is that infomericals replace normal commericals from other channels.

Infomercials usually follow the pattern below:

- Show an idiot trying to do a simple thing in the worst possible way.

- Show them making a mess doing it the worst possible way.

- Introduce new and interesting product that helps said idiot do a simple task in a way that was never intended.

- Show idiots happy family as the product of the simple task is shown to them

- Offer - 4 of x items for $$$ along with the handy, dandy <thing>.  But wait, there's more.  If you act now, we'll double your order.  8 of x items and two handy, dandy <things> for $$$ plus $$$$

- Sorry, no C.O.D.'s

One I saw the other day was for people who have serious issues.  They mutilate pancakes without regard for the shape they end up in.  They put the pan on the oven upside down and then spread the batter directly onto the burner.  They then take a plastic spatula to the batter and it melts to the burner.

Next comes the lady who brings in the new contraption, which looks more like a mideival torture divice than a pancake mutilator.

It's great... and if you act now, I will throw in this handy, dandy socket wrench.

Setting the Bar

Have you ever had a day where you felt the bar was set too high?  I must say that this morning, for me, the bar was set uncomfortably out of reach.  My alarm went off at 5:30am, I woke up, rolled over, and promptly smacked into the bar.  This morning, my bar was somewhere between getting up out of bed and not.

With all the advancements in medicine and the fact that we are continually living longer and better lives, you would think that waking up would be something of joy, but its not.  The bar for the day is set low for sure when you consider getting up to be a major accomplishment.

Who is in charge of setting the bar for today?  Certainly not me, or I would have put the bar somewhere under the bed.

WTHIUWT Part 2 - English

In Part 2 of my continuing series called "What the Heck is Up with That", we delve into another of lifes little mud pies, English.

English is a West Germanic language that originated from the Anglo-Frisian dialects brought to Britain by Germanic invaders from various parts of what is now northwest Germany and the Netherlands.  In other words, English is a mutt language consisting of the waste of Latin and German, mingled with any other language that had a word that English did not.

Much like the childhood game of telephone, certain English rules were passed down through several stages after which nobody remembers why it's done that way, just that it is.  For example, 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' makes perfect sense.  Piece of cake, right?  Oh, crap!!!!  What about 'neighbor' and 'weigh'?  Suppose you use a rule of thumb to mind your p's and q's?  Lost?

Even better are terms that sound alike but are spelled differently (heterographs)?  Read, Reid, Reed, or weigh and way.  How about homographs?  Read, and read (red)?

How about large words that describe something small?  I'm looking at you 'abreviation'.

Or onomatopoeia (words that sound like their sounds... er something like that)?  Buzz, moo, galumph?  Also, why does spelling matter with words like these?  What if to me a cow goes mumumumoooo?  Why can't I spell it they way it sounds to me?

This brings me to another point.  Why can't I just spell something phonetically?  Phonetically is an oxymoron, but oxymoron isn't oxy nor moronic, but it is spelled phonetically.

There are also silent letters in the English language.  Read should be re-ad or to add again, but it's not.  If I want to silence a given letter, like in the word 'shifty', I get in trouble, but no one bats an eye at page or slime.

English is the language of choice in the world today, so learn it.  Just don't be surprised if someone looks at you funny when you re-ad a book.

WTHIUWT Part 1 - Unsportsmanlike Conduct - Excesive Celebration

Over the past several days, it has occurred to me that there are  a ton of things in the world that serve little to no purpose.  It is for this reason that I have decided to do a five part series entitled - WTHIUWT - What the Heck is UP With That.

Part one I will dive into something that has irritated me about football.  is Unsportsmanlike Conduct - Excessive Celebration.  This is the unfortunate penalty one incurs by jumping, shouting, fist pumping, or breathing in a threatening way.  So after scoring a touchdown that ties the game in the final 20 seconds, you jump/fist pump/shout/breathe, and the next thing you know your kicker is attempting a very blockable and much harder to hit extra point kick.

The kicker then misses the kick, loses the game, and becomes the goat.  The problem, though, is not the kicker but the rule that pushed his kick back too far.  Is seems the expectation is for players to respond much like you would in a Chinese Checkers match.  I can see it now.  Forty-five yard Hail Mary pass is caught in the end zone after being batted in the air several times for the game winning score in the National Championship game.  The players look at each other, calm their breathing, and politely congratulate the receiver who caught the ball.

Chinese checkers doesn't require any full contact hitting, so the adrenaline probably isn't pumping so much.  Though I haven't been in the National Championship Chines Checkers match, so I don't know.

I say jump around and carry on during a 20 second celebration period.  Do snow angels on the grass, pull out the Sharpie, whatever.  After that, back to the game.  Keep it simple.  The only alternative is to take the excitement out of the game and introduce doilies.

Soccer - The Bunch Ball Method - Other Applications

Over the past weekend, I was able to take in a couple of soccer games.  By 'take in' I mean coach and by 'soccer games' I of course mean chaotic kicking while wearing brightly colored uniforms.

As coach, it is my responsibility to manage the chaos within the lines.  This is a lot like trying to get shepherd six kids down the candy isle without on piece of candy leaving the shelf.  Now, don't get me wrong, hard though it may be to keep the kids in the lines, I was laughing most of the time.

Part of the humor is what people like to call 'bunch ball'.  It's where all kids surround the ball in a menacing way and kick at the same time.  The effect of all the kicking produces very humorous results.  The kids get all turned around as the parents yell, "KICK IT", and "GO THE OTHER WAY" at the top of their lungs, which to kids on the field sounds a lot like "DJFPEOIJAS SDFOIJT" and  "HEIUXCF SDF GJOWE FSOBNX".  All of this inevitably leads to the ball going wherever it wants to and the kids chase after it until bunch ball begins again.

I have been thinking recently how not unlike bunch ball some so called 'grown up' pursuits can be.  For example, I think bunch ball accurately describes the way politicians go at a topic.  For example, taxes.  One group for and one group against stands around the issue kicking with all their might.  No direction is required, just kick.  The problem is that no matter how much you kick the ball, it never seems to get any closer to the goal.  All the while, the tax payers are yelling at them to do one thing or an other which the politicians construe to mean that they are doing a good job, as they are not really listening anyway.

Bunch ball accomplishes nothing most of the time other than making everyone tired.  The problem is that it chaos sometimes produces a desired result, so it perpetuates chaos as the way to accomplish something.

Another example of 'grown up' bunch ball is how many people approach life in general.  Rather than setting specific goals for improvement, they simply go down the road of life looking for the ball and start kicking it along with everyone else.  Eventually one of them will get some success, but on the whole, no one accomplishes much of anything.

The moral of today's story should be obvious.  Bunch ball is fun to watch, but hardly worth your time the older you get.

..... .... my aching back....

Today, as part of my never ending quest to explain what happens when you age... I SAID, AS PART OF MY NEVER ENDING QUEST TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPNES WHEN YOU AGE... I am always on the alert for interesting quirks of getting old.

I, myself, am not old yet, but I have experiencing some of the joys of aging.  One happened today.  I was walking down the hall at work with a microwavable pizza when for reasons unknown, I decided to attempt to drop it.  Neat thing about me is my cat like reflexes.  Meaning, my brain reacts quickly to stuff like that.  Problem is, my brain doesn't have hands to catch stuff, so it uses my body.

My body, while mostly cooperative, this time decided to perform in a less than helfull way.  In slow motion, I watched as the pizza tumbled toward the ground.  My brain then imediately sends the signals to my arms, back, legs, abs, feet, and for some reason a small seldom used muscle on my back.  This muscle, which by all rights should only be used while lifting sacks of rice sideways onto a large table, goes crazy and attempts (I can only assume) to catch the falling pizza on its own.

Now this little muscle, also without hands and the power to do anything other than move said sacks of rice sideways onto a large table, demonstrating courage and the chutzpah of a nerdy kid asking the head cheerleader on a date, blows up in the attempt.

I now have a pain about two inches under my left shoulder blade.  Interesting pain it is too.

Oh and I have come to the the interesting quirk of getting old... telling everyone about the pain.

You're Welcome.

The Switcheroo

I was sitting at my desk today eating some pretzels, when it occured to me that my mouth was exceedingly dry.  I reached for my cup that was filled with pink lemonade.  I put the straw to my mouth and took a large sip.

I gagged as I realized that there were two cups on my desk.  One with my ice cold pink lemonade, and the other with something I can only describe as foot fungus in liquid form.  As I went into convulsions, I looked around to try to get a grasp on what just happened.

It then all came back to me.  One of my co-workers had come to my desk to ask a question and had left their 'health' drink at my desk.  With it being the same cup type, I had no idea that I was about to injest his liquid foot fungus....

This brings me to my two points of the day...

1 - Eating foot fungus is not healthy.

2 - 'A cup full of foot fungus' sounds like a great name for a band.

Ask the Chef - How To Make The Perfect Hamburger

On today's 'Ask the Chef' we will be talking about grilling.  In particular we will be talking about the rare art of grilling ground beef.  When cooking a hamburger, many do not understand the important place they hold in society.  As the master of the grill, you wield the power of taste, to provide the satisfaction of stomach. You are the pleaser of the palate... the sultan of patty... (t-shirt pending).

When you cook your hamburger, there are some things to do and some things not to do. I have a very simple list of Do's and Don'ts...

Do's

• Do use real meat. Beef only.  Sure they call them hamburgers not beefburgers, but don't use ham and for heaven's sake don't use turkey....
• Do use beef with low fat content, or be prepared to start with a one foot wide burger and end up with one that is roughly the size of the cheapy burgers at McDonald's. 
• Do use some kind of barbecue sauce
• Do include garlic

Don'ts

• Don't make bricks. Meaning, don't overcook. Flame kissed, not flame French kissed.
• If you are using hamburger from your local grocery store (gags), DON'T UNDER COOK. It is frowned upon in culinary circles when your guests die from some crazy bacteria.
• Don't walk away from the grill. A perfect burger is killed by BFD (Burger Forgetfullness Disorder) moments.
• Don't tick of the bees. Bees are a part of grilling, so it's better if they be happy.
• Last but not least, watch out for crazy uncle Lou. He has been banned from backyard barbeque's for a reason. DON'T INVITE LOU.

Why Is The Sky Blue?

This is one of lifes great questions, right next to why do we have boogers and the all important question, if a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

The mind boggles...

Where was I?  Oh yeah, well, to be honest, the sky has no color. Blue is what are eyes perceive, but there is no pigment to Nitrogen, and Oxygen.  Even more peculiar is that space is black, but how can nothing have a color? And if nothing has a color, and the sky is colorless, then wouldn't the sky be nothing too? 

And if nothing can be black and blue then why is water blue in oceans and lakes?  Water is hydrogen and oxygen which when combined together makes a visible liquid that has no color, but is hardly nothing.  If water has a blue color in a lake or ocean, why does it not have a color when it's in my glass? 

So, in conclusion, if water, the sky, and space have no color, and are not nothing... why do they look the way they do?

Answer: God

What School Are You From?

An interesting thing happened on the way to work this morning.  As I was driving, I came across a rather shiny red Corvette that was pulled over on the side of the street.  In the brief few seconds I had to observe, I noted a few rather interesting things.

1 - The Corvette was brand spanking new.  This was easy to spot as the new owner license sticker was still there in place of the actual license plate.

2 - There was a man who, obviously in the throws of a spectacular midlife crisis, was standing in too-short-to-be-legal shorts, white socks, sandals, and a curiously bold Hawaiian shirt.

3 - The man was holding a phone.  Not a sleek phone to match his Corvette mind you, but a substantially hefty flip phone.

This brings me to today's initial question with an even more intriguing follow up.  Seeing that there are two schools, old and new, from which school are you?  Is it possible to be from both schools and not look/act/feel like an idiot?

For this man, I think he is the captain of the Old School rowing team.  The problem for him is that while he is very good at rowing, and the quite popular at the Old School, he only has eyes for the New School.  You see, his son goes to the New School where they have something called 'moto...cross' and 'rap...music'.  Even more intriguing is something called MT...... V and uh.... X... Games.

So Mr. Rowing Captain decides to come up to the New School for a visit and puts in his papers for a transfer.  Rowing doesn't exist at the New School and he isn't quite sure how oars fit in with Motocross.  Should he discard the oars?  Heck no.  Those oars look mighty fine as wings on his dirt bike.

Mr. Rowing Captain then changes his name to Mr. Cool Oar Guy and buys a new shiny dirt bike that he refuses to drive anywhere and gives his comb over a faux hawk.

So, to answer the question, no you cannot be from both schools, and yes you look and act stupid when you try.  The problem is that it feels soooooo good....

If It A'int Broke...

There are varying definitions people assign to the word  'broken'.  Take the iPhone for instance.  I know some people who would view a scratch on any part of their iPhone as critical damage.  Then there are some who could drop it from a bridge into a lake full of boiling lava and as long as they could still make out the 'Apple' logo, it would suffice.

With such a wide variation in our views on the subject, it is no wonder that we as humans spend so much time arguing over the concept of 'broken'.  For example, I have a hat that I have used for many years.  To me, the sweat stains and the little thread that hangs down from the bill add to the character of the hat.  Hard working head wear doesn't come around every day.  My wife on the other hand keeps trying to cut the thread off, or throw the hat away completely.  I think she has even tried to put Febreze on it to kill the smell....  Come to think of it....  I haven't seen that hat for a long time....

Do the police allow missing persons reports for hats?

Back From Vacation

So it turns out that people actually miss this blog when I am gone.  Go figure.

Random News Friday

The problem with most posts on blogs is that the writer doesn't know how to introduce their topic in a way that grabs most peoples attention.  This means that they don't get past the first couple of sentences without leaving the blog...

It occurs to me that I may have lost you in my introduction...

Well, for those of you who stayed, I bring you RANDOM NEWS FRIDAY!

Georgia Lemonade Girls

In a recent blog post I brought to you a story about three Georgia girls who were prohibited from having a lemonade stand due to the fact that they didn't have a business license and a food handlers permit.  This is of course because nothing is more insidious than a lemonade stand.  The towns police should have a new slogan.  "Keeping the public safe from watery lemonade".

To make matters worse, the purpose of the lemonade stand was to help them earn money to afford entry into a local water park.  This nefarious plot wherein children earn money through selling a product they had made was foiled by the police.  I mean to say, lemonade which contains water being sold to gain entry to a water park? 

Well, this story has just had a new twist.  The manager at the water park has just offered to let the girls sell their lemonade in the water park.  The girls were also given free entry to the park.  The only problem is that the city is still pondering charges against the girls.  Sounds like a good use of tax dollars to me.

Tiger Woods Back From Rehab

Tiger Woods has recently tweeted that he would be back in action for the Bridgestone invitational.  After spending several weeks out of action with a knee/achilles injury sustained at the Masters earlier this year, I am sure he is ready to get back into the swing of things....

Mysteries

There are somethings in this world that will never be explained.  Who let the dogs out?  Was there a second shooter on the grass covered "small hill or mound"? (someone once asked me what a knoll was, so rather than get that question again, I defined it.  You're welcome.)  If a tree falls in the forest and lands on somebody, does the tree care?

Well, one mystery can finally be put to rest.  Photons cannot travel faster than light.  This is like saying that sound waves cannot travel faster than the speed of sound.  Considering a photon is basically a unit of light, it means that light cannot travel faster than itself. 

I know there is more to it than that, but this has got me thinking... if someone can get a grant for proving light travels at the speed of light, could I get a grant to prove arachnids have eight legs?  Or perhaps, could I study the spelling of the word aardvark?  I mean, why the double 'a' to start the word?  It's not pronounced a a rdvark.

I also have a theory on who let the dogs out.

Say What?!?!?!

I am going to increase my debt limit today.  In spending more money than I take in by about fifty percent,  it has become clear that I must spend more.  The one thing that is clear to me and has been for quite some time is that the more I spend, the more I make.

This being the case, I propose the following budget plan:

• Cut the increase in spending from fifty percent to fourty-nine percent.
• Increase the rate at which I spend money on fly-by-night investments, like inflateable cars.
• Cut discresionary spending on icecream and move it to doughnuts.
• Cut seventy-five percent from dog clothing budget.
• Increase the rate of decrease in the increased budget for leg band initiative in which a leg band is purchased for everyone who stands for the increase in the decrease of the increased budget.
• Increase revenue by pick-pocketing.

The above will be the basis by which I will prove my fiscal responsiblity and my ability to repay my debts.

Any questions?  Want to invest?