WTHIUWT Part 3 - Infomercials

WTHIUWT Part 3 brings us to one of the biggest issues with TV today; infomercials.  There is a local channel that many of you may have heard of, especially if you have younger kids.  The channel is Qubo, and it has many shows that my kids love to watch.  The one and only gripe I have about Qubo is that infomericals replace normal commericals from other channels.

Infomercials usually follow the pattern below:

- Show an idiot trying to do a simple thing in the worst possible way.

- Show them making a mess doing it the worst possible way.

- Introduce new and interesting product that helps said idiot do a simple task in a way that was never intended.

- Show idiots happy family as the product of the simple task is shown to them

- Offer - 4 of x items for $$$ along with the handy, dandy <thing>.  But wait, there's more.  If you act now, we'll double your order.  8 of x items and two handy, dandy <things> for $$$ plus $$$$

- Sorry, no C.O.D.'s

One I saw the other day was for people who have serious issues.  They mutilate pancakes without regard for the shape they end up in.  They put the pan on the oven upside down and then spread the batter directly onto the burner.  They then take a plastic spatula to the batter and it melts to the burner.

Next comes the lady who brings in the new contraption, which looks more like a mideival torture divice than a pancake mutilator.

It's great... and if you act now, I will throw in this handy, dandy socket wrench.

Setting the Bar

Have you ever had a day where you felt the bar was set too high?  I must say that this morning, for me, the bar was set uncomfortably out of reach.  My alarm went off at 5:30am, I woke up, rolled over, and promptly smacked into the bar.  This morning, my bar was somewhere between getting up out of bed and not.

With all the advancements in medicine and the fact that we are continually living longer and better lives, you would think that waking up would be something of joy, but its not.  The bar for the day is set low for sure when you consider getting up to be a major accomplishment.

Who is in charge of setting the bar for today?  Certainly not me, or I would have put the bar somewhere under the bed.

WTHIUWT Part 2 - English

In Part 2 of my continuing series called "What the Heck is Up with That", we delve into another of lifes little mud pies, English.

English is a West Germanic language that originated from the Anglo-Frisian dialects brought to Britain by Germanic invaders from various parts of what is now northwest Germany and the Netherlands.  In other words, English is a mutt language consisting of the waste of Latin and German, mingled with any other language that had a word that English did not.

Much like the childhood game of telephone, certain English rules were passed down through several stages after which nobody remembers why it's done that way, just that it is.  For example, 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' makes perfect sense.  Piece of cake, right?  Oh, crap!!!!  What about 'neighbor' and 'weigh'?  Suppose you use a rule of thumb to mind your p's and q's?  Lost?

Even better are terms that sound alike but are spelled differently (heterographs)?  Read, Reid, Reed, or weigh and way.  How about homographs?  Read, and read (red)?

How about large words that describe something small?  I'm looking at you 'abreviation'.

Or onomatopoeia (words that sound like their sounds... er something like that)?  Buzz, moo, galumph?  Also, why does spelling matter with words like these?  What if to me a cow goes mumumumoooo?  Why can't I spell it they way it sounds to me?

This brings me to another point.  Why can't I just spell something phonetically?  Phonetically is an oxymoron, but oxymoron isn't oxy nor moronic, but it is spelled phonetically.

There are also silent letters in the English language.  Read should be re-ad or to add again, but it's not.  If I want to silence a given letter, like in the word 'shifty', I get in trouble, but no one bats an eye at page or slime.

English is the language of choice in the world today, so learn it.  Just don't be surprised if someone looks at you funny when you re-ad a book.

WTHIUWT Part 1 - Unsportsmanlike Conduct - Excesive Celebration

Over the past several days, it has occurred to me that there are  a ton of things in the world that serve little to no purpose.  It is for this reason that I have decided to do a five part series entitled - WTHIUWT - What the Heck is UP With That.

Part one I will dive into something that has irritated me about football.  is Unsportsmanlike Conduct - Excessive Celebration.  This is the unfortunate penalty one incurs by jumping, shouting, fist pumping, or breathing in a threatening way.  So after scoring a touchdown that ties the game in the final 20 seconds, you jump/fist pump/shout/breathe, and the next thing you know your kicker is attempting a very blockable and much harder to hit extra point kick.

The kicker then misses the kick, loses the game, and becomes the goat.  The problem, though, is not the kicker but the rule that pushed his kick back too far.  Is seems the expectation is for players to respond much like you would in a Chinese Checkers match.  I can see it now.  Forty-five yard Hail Mary pass is caught in the end zone after being batted in the air several times for the game winning score in the National Championship game.  The players look at each other, calm their breathing, and politely congratulate the receiver who caught the ball.

Chinese checkers doesn't require any full contact hitting, so the adrenaline probably isn't pumping so much.  Though I haven't been in the National Championship Chines Checkers match, so I don't know.

I say jump around and carry on during a 20 second celebration period.  Do snow angels on the grass, pull out the Sharpie, whatever.  After that, back to the game.  Keep it simple.  The only alternative is to take the excitement out of the game and introduce doilies.

Soccer - The Bunch Ball Method - Other Applications

Over the past weekend, I was able to take in a couple of soccer games.  By 'take in' I mean coach and by 'soccer games' I of course mean chaotic kicking while wearing brightly colored uniforms.

As coach, it is my responsibility to manage the chaos within the lines.  This is a lot like trying to get shepherd six kids down the candy isle without on piece of candy leaving the shelf.  Now, don't get me wrong, hard though it may be to keep the kids in the lines, I was laughing most of the time.

Part of the humor is what people like to call 'bunch ball'.  It's where all kids surround the ball in a menacing way and kick at the same time.  The effect of all the kicking produces very humorous results.  The kids get all turned around as the parents yell, "KICK IT", and "GO THE OTHER WAY" at the top of their lungs, which to kids on the field sounds a lot like "DJFPEOIJAS SDFOIJT" and  "HEIUXCF SDF GJOWE FSOBNX".  All of this inevitably leads to the ball going wherever it wants to and the kids chase after it until bunch ball begins again.

I have been thinking recently how not unlike bunch ball some so called 'grown up' pursuits can be.  For example, I think bunch ball accurately describes the way politicians go at a topic.  For example, taxes.  One group for and one group against stands around the issue kicking with all their might.  No direction is required, just kick.  The problem is that no matter how much you kick the ball, it never seems to get any closer to the goal.  All the while, the tax payers are yelling at them to do one thing or an other which the politicians construe to mean that they are doing a good job, as they are not really listening anyway.

Bunch ball accomplishes nothing most of the time other than making everyone tired.  The problem is that it chaos sometimes produces a desired result, so it perpetuates chaos as the way to accomplish something.

Another example of 'grown up' bunch ball is how many people approach life in general.  Rather than setting specific goals for improvement, they simply go down the road of life looking for the ball and start kicking it along with everyone else.  Eventually one of them will get some success, but on the whole, no one accomplishes much of anything.

The moral of today's story should be obvious.  Bunch ball is fun to watch, but hardly worth your time the older you get.

..... .... my aching back....

Today, as part of my never ending quest to explain what happens when you age... I SAID, AS PART OF MY NEVER ENDING QUEST TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPNES WHEN YOU AGE... I am always on the alert for interesting quirks of getting old.

I, myself, am not old yet, but I have experiencing some of the joys of aging.  One happened today.  I was walking down the hall at work with a microwavable pizza when for reasons unknown, I decided to attempt to drop it.  Neat thing about me is my cat like reflexes.  Meaning, my brain reacts quickly to stuff like that.  Problem is, my brain doesn't have hands to catch stuff, so it uses my body.

My body, while mostly cooperative, this time decided to perform in a less than helfull way.  In slow motion, I watched as the pizza tumbled toward the ground.  My brain then imediately sends the signals to my arms, back, legs, abs, feet, and for some reason a small seldom used muscle on my back.  This muscle, which by all rights should only be used while lifting sacks of rice sideways onto a large table, goes crazy and attempts (I can only assume) to catch the falling pizza on its own.

Now this little muscle, also without hands and the power to do anything other than move said sacks of rice sideways onto a large table, demonstrating courage and the chutzpah of a nerdy kid asking the head cheerleader on a date, blows up in the attempt.

I now have a pain about two inches under my left shoulder blade.  Interesting pain it is too.

Oh and I have come to the the interesting quirk of getting old... telling everyone about the pain.

You're Welcome.

The Switcheroo

I was sitting at my desk today eating some pretzels, when it occured to me that my mouth was exceedingly dry.  I reached for my cup that was filled with pink lemonade.  I put the straw to my mouth and took a large sip.

I gagged as I realized that there were two cups on my desk.  One with my ice cold pink lemonade, and the other with something I can only describe as foot fungus in liquid form.  As I went into convulsions, I looked around to try to get a grasp on what just happened.

It then all came back to me.  One of my co-workers had come to my desk to ask a question and had left their 'health' drink at my desk.  With it being the same cup type, I had no idea that I was about to injest his liquid foot fungus....

This brings me to my two points of the day...

1 - Eating foot fungus is not healthy.

2 - 'A cup full of foot fungus' sounds like a great name for a band.