Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Wednesday - Changing your oil

Changing your oil is a snap.  Don't be crazy and take your car into one of those oil changing places.  Below are 456 easy steps to *oil changing dominance.

*Disclaimer - Following the steps below may or may not yield desirable results, unless you are watching someone else follow the instructions... in which case side effects can include laughing and difficulty holding your bladder contents.  Do not drink milk and watch at the same time.

1. Make sure you have a car/truck/automobile.

*Car/Truck/Automobile defined as a mode of transportation that can, given the appropriate prodding, get you from point A to somewhere less than or equal to your destination, otherwise known as point B.

2. Make sure you have the keys to that same car/truck/automobile.

3. Make sure the car/truck/automobile is off.

4. Open the car/truck/automobile door. (Preferably the driver side door... ie. the one with the steering wheel.)

5. Pull the latch or handle that releases the hood. (It looks kind of like a handle-like latch)

6. Get out of the car/truck/automobile.

7. Go around to the front of the car/truck/automobile.
*Front defined as the opposite side of the back

8. Do not try to open the hood yet.

9. Feel under the open part of the hood for a release latch (see above for definition of a latch)... it's somewhere.

10. Once you feel the latch, don't stop there. You need to move it the correct way... move it one way or the other.

11. You may then lift the hood.

12. Skipping step thirteen will result in massive head injuries!!!

13. Find the safety holder upper thingy, and put it in it's place.

14. Stick your head under the hood.

15. Look for a little pole thing with a finger hole thing. (Usually this is somewhere near the engine)

16. Put your finger in the thingy and pull the pole out.

17. Wipe the oil on something... Not your clothes, unless you want oil on your clothes. (If you do not see oil on the pole, make sure that you followed step 1.  If so then go to step 456.)

18. Put the pole back into the hole. (Preferably the same hole you pulled the pole out of, because that is where the oil is.)

19. Get the pole back out.

20. Look at the pole.

21. If you have oil on the pole, then you have oil in your car. If the oil goes up the pole to a certain spot, then you have enough oil.

22. If the oil doesn't go up far enough, then go to step 456.

23.  Once oil is in your car/truck/automobile, you should be OK to close everything up, and assuming you followed all the above steps and the optional required step below, you should now be able to drive off into the sunset.

Optional Step, or required step... depending on your situation.

456. Put oil in your car. (Not on the seats or the dashboard, but in the engine. But not anywhere in the engine. You must find the oil compartment thingy. Open that and put oil in there. But not any oil. You should use Motor Oil, because cooking oil may cause unwanted results, unless you have French Fries, in which case you shouldn't be doing that in your car/truck/automobile engine.)

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