Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Uh, What an Alarmingly Large and Blurry Foot You Have

The best way to describe my reaction to unbelievable stories is to call me a skeptic.  If there is gold in Abe Linclons head on Mount Rushmore, why would it still be there?  Even better, why would God tell some random guy  that the world would end when he said that "no man knoweth"?  There is a sucker born every minute, it seems, and worst of all in most cases they procreate faster than the rest of us.

This brings me to today's topic.  Bigfoot.  First, let me say, if there is a bigfoot, I am certain he would rather go by Charlie or Sedgwick rather than bigfoot.  How would you like to be known by your least favorite body feature?  "Hey there Thunder Thighs", or "morning Gigantic Schnoz."

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, have you noticed whenever Sedgwick is filmed it is done by Mr. Blurrycam?  You know the guy, right?  He's the one that goes on a family vacation wanting to keep all of his memories in the best possible format so he brings is 2002 vintage camera phone.  While on his trip, he sees the very latest iPhone being used by the local barkeep and snaps a couple of high quality shots while shaking uncontrollably due to the extreme bladder issues. 

This produces such epic failures such as:


So it should come as no surprise that Mr. Blurrycam couldn't come up with a better shot.  "Oh crap, there's Sedgwick... where's my Samsung ghetto phone?  Ah there it is..."


You see... right there... right next to the tree...

It's either Bigfoot or it isn't.  That is one thing I am sure of...

Friday, May 27, 2011

Bugs In Your Popcorn

So today's post brings me to you a little grossed out.  We keep popcorn in a Rubbermaid container in our pantry and have done so for quite sometime.  While working in my office, I am interrupted by my wife who tells me that we have little bugs in our popcorn.

There is no way, I thought.  How could there be bugs in a Rubbermaid container that can be under water and not allow H2O in?  Well they are there, and multiplying from what I can tell which is even more perplexing.  Turns out that the container acted as an incubator that kept all good stuff in and the bad stuff (predators) out.

The bugs have a startling resemblance to creatures found to inhabit corn in the mid-west.  So, the larvae have been there for a long time.  This leads me unavoidably to the conclusion that we must have ingested some along the way...

Why do I keep getting full body shivers...?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Plank On It vs. Bacon Sundae

There are some crazy things going on out there.  First, there is planking.  The point of planking is to have a person imitate a long plank of wood in some obscure location.  I, for one, do not get it.  With so many more exciting things to spend your time on (Old Maid, tongue piercing, bashing your toe on the corner of the wall etc.) why anyone would want to be a piece of wood?  Apparently it is huge in Australia where several people have been seriously injured or killed.

My favorite... er... not really favorite as that is kind of morbid... we'll call it my non-favorite favorite.  Anyway, this guy gets out on his balcony several stories up and tries to lay on the railing.  He loses his balance and plummets to his doom.  Really.... why would you do this?  Crocodile wrestling too mundane?

This leads me to another bit of craziness.  I went to Denny's the other day and was greeted with something that nearly put my stomach out of commission.  I know some of you probably feel the same way even considering eating at Denny's, so this probably won't seem so weird.  Well, they have a new product that combines a breakfast favorite with ice cream.  No, they did not combine waffles, nor did they combine ice cream with strawberry cream cheese.  Both choices, to me anyway, would have been immediately superior to.....

Bacon Sundae!!!!  The motto for this desert is... "Bacon... The New Chocolate Syrup."  Yeah, yummy.  Next thing they will do is combine orange juice with coffee, or pancakes and corned beef.

Congratulations Denny's... Grand Slam?  Nah, just a bunch of pig meat.

Sticky Situation

Anyone out there recall the song by Alanis Morissette called Ironic?  If yes, then this will make sense.  If not, I will spare you the YouTube video of me lip syncing.... this time...

Anyway, the lyrics point out a few ironic situations and puts them to music.  Wow, at the next Alanis Morissette concert she should be introduced like that.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!  Welcome to a concert where Alanis Morissette puts ironic lyrics to music."

Riveting entertainment for sure.  Anyway, she mentions how irony is like raaaaaaaaaeeaaaiiiinnnn on your wedding day, a free riiiiieeeeiiiide when you've already paid.  It's good adviiiiiice that you just can't take, and who would of thought?  It figgers.

This is a perfect way to bring up the following news story.  So apparently a man in Vermont who worked in the honey business spent three weeks in the hospital due to anaphalactic shock and extreme honey allergy.

It's like being a honnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy worker when you are alllllllllllleeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrgggggiiiiiiicccccccccccc....

It figgers...

Monday, May 23, 2011

Reality vs. Movie Critics

Imagine for a moment that you are a food critic and before you is laid some fresh salmon.  You take a piece of salmon in your fork and put it into your mouth.  You have never tasted something so wonderful as this fish.  The presentation is grand and you smile as your senses are rushed by the wonderful flavor.

Later that evening as you prepare to put pen to paper to review your meal, you instead choose to focus on the shoe laces of the person serving the table next to you.  In excruciating detail the review focuses on those dirty white laces with red and orange polka dots.  Your focus is so intense that the entirety of the meal is forgotten.  Sure you loved the food, but those shoe laces.... just.... arrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

The above is a perfect example of how movie critics work.  Watching a movie like Titanic, they focus on the fact that the iceburg wasn't cold enough.  There are so many movies that I would have missed had I chose to follow the recommendation of the critcs.  As long as I leave the movie feeling that I have not wasted my money, it is good.

I know the above is considered blasphemy in movie critic circles and I will never be invited to the Oscars let alone the Film Reviewers Hot Dog Roast.  I am crying inside... really...

The Day After The End

I guess I always supposed it would be more exciting.  Every movie I have ever seen depicts the end of time as so much more.  I mean, all I did on the day after was my normal routine.  California did not fall into the ocean and the caldera in Yellowstone didn't errupt.  There also weren't gigantic hurricane like systems grabbing enormous amounts of super chilled air from the upper atmosphere plunging the world into a new ice age.

I woke up, took a shower, and spent the day with my family.  Could you imagine going to that movie?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Crentist the Dentist

Okay, so I am a huge office fan.  I have laughed harder at that show than any I can recall in the past.  I have been going through each of the seasons.  This got me to thinking about dentists, which brought me to Bill Cosby...

Happy Friday!!!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

News You Need

Ronald McDonald To Be Fired?

In the grand scheme of things, my opinion is that the fewer clowns in the world the better.  Just who thought clowns were a cute and cuddly way to sell stuff?  Despite my aversion toward clowns, this news is a bit odd.

Ronald McDonald is on the chopping block.  Not because he has gigantic shoes, painted on lips, or a big red nose.  No, he is about to get a pink slip because he is to children like kryptonite is to Superman.  Children just can't resist the temptation of a Happy Meal because Ronald McDonald makes it look so cool.  Sure the food tastes good, but that can't be a reason, right?

Also, to make matters worse, parents can't say no to their kids once they have seen a advertisement that features the McDonald's clown.

Quick question... where does your five year old get his money?  After school job?  Babysitting?  Lego castle designer?  If you are worried about childhood obesity, stop feeding your kids crap, and quit trying to blame it all on a clown.  There are much better things to blame on clowns...

Ahhhhnulllld... The Adulturator.

I have never much liked Arnold, but I couldn't pinpoint a reason.  Sure he can't act, but that's hardly a reason to not like someone.  I am not a good actor, and I like me...

Now, however, I have a great reason to not like him.  Cheating on your wife will put you on my crap list for a long time.  I don't think he could get out of the crap list even if he were a good golfer...

Los Angeles Lakers and Walmart

I am still trying to find a reason to be happier than I was when the Lakers losing in a sweep to the Dallas Mavericks, and then I found this picture.  Here is a man who wakes up in the morning in such a good mood that it doesn't matter what he wears to his local Walmart.

Courtesy of peopleofwalmart.com

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


The world will end on January 1 in the year two-thousand and thirty.  I have it on good authority that all the computers in the world will blow up which will cause a chain reaction that will split the Earth into two equal halves.  After a billion years, the two halves will round out and create sister Earths.  One Earth will be perpetually dark and peopled with scientifically advanced 6 foot cockroaches.  The other Earth will be filled with the shoe people.  There will be wars fought where the shoe people mercilessly smash the six foot cockroaches.

Trust me, I am in the KNOW...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Spending Money

Have you noticed the amazing ability people have for spending money?  It's not just our own money either.  We are good at spending others money as well.

It was promised at the outset of this blog that it would never cross paths with politics.  So instead I am going to walk next to politics just close enough to spit on it.

There are some days when I wake up and think, "you know what, I want to buy a Ferrari today."  So I look around at Ferrari prices and realize that they are just a tad out of my price range, so I decide to get a soft drink instead.  Another time during that same day I think of how nice it would be to get my belly button pierced.  Then I think about the needle and how odd it would look in my inny belly button compounded by how bad it would hurt to get it done, and the crazy idea leaves me.

This illustrates two points.  One, people on a budget (see most people) have to make decisions based on what is available to them at the time.  Two, just because you get a crazy idea doesn't mean you have to do it.

Ok, so here is where I walk close to politics.  The way governement works is they make a budget for all the things that it takes for the government to function.  Roads, check.  Healthcare, check.  Oops, we just went 1 trillion dollars over... oh well.  Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we got new shower heads for all the showers in the whole nation so we could save 1 ounce of water every three showers at a cost of 500 billion dollars?  Yep, lets go to Home Depot.  Heck, while we are there, let's just buy Home Depot for 10 billion dollars because we can run it better...

Hey Politics... you've got a little spittle on your face...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


We can only wonder why things happen when and how they do.  Maybe you are a believer in coincidence, which actually means you aren't really a believer in anything.  It could also be that you believe that fate rules your destiny.  When you think about it, this basically means that regardless the decisions you make, what happens was already predestined to happen.  Fate basically removes all need to even think for yourself.  The truth, it seems, is in the middle of these two philosophies.  Coincidence cannot be the governing force in our lives because it would preclude the possibility of consequences for our actions.  Fate too is equally untenable because fate cannot account for all probabilities as their are hundreds and in many times thousands of choices made each day.

We are the product of choices, big and small.  Making the decision to leave ten minutes early may allow me to miss the traffic jam, or it might put me right int he middle of it.  The amazing part of life is how the choices we make can turn into pivot points toward great things.  The only prerequisite to happiness is realizing that you always have a choice.  To paraphrase the English poet W.C. Henley, "We are the masters of our fate.  We are the masters of our souls."  Good words to live by.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there.  Seeing that none of us would be here without you, it's only fitting that you get a day all your own.  Here's to you and everything you are and stand for.  If I had my way, we would do away with Mother's Day.  Why give anyone the excuse to treat mothers with any less love and caring?  Why not serve, love, protect, and otherwise care for your moms all year?

Let's start right here and right now!  Mother's Day is every day!

Happy Mother's day, month, year, decade, and lifetime!  You deserve it!

Friday, May 6, 2011


"I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am the most certain of the first time."

Josh Billings - 19th Century Humorist

Take a moment and look at the picture above?  What do you see?  Trees, nasty water, and grass?  Nice place for a picnic or a peaceful boat ride, right?  Now, look a little closer at the middle of the picture just off to the left.  See it?  The crocodile that nobody sees at first is simply lying in wait for someone or something to come along that was not patient enough to be certain.  Imagine if you had taken one passing glance to determine the safety of this location instead of taking a second or third look to be sure.

How many times have we walked down a dark hallway or into a dark room and our brain is certain that it is safe to walk through there?  We don't turn on the light because we are so firm in our certainty that it would just be a waste of charged particles to flip the switch.  We take one step without issue and then throw caution to the wind and start walking faster.  Step three or four is when we impale our foot on the Lightning McQueen car.

The decisions to look before you leap and to judge the book by what's between the covers are character traits that to a certain extent we all lack experience with.  It is only by doing these things that one can be certain of anything.  Certainty implies effort on our part.  One can never be sure of anything unless they have the patience to view something from all angles and the character to accept when someone shows them an angle they didn't initially think about.

It is interesting that I can't find a good way to end this post... one thing is for certain that this isn't it...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Wise Guy - My Take on the News


First of all, we here at the Wise Guy Blog are not well versed on the names of any major scientific theories, and we certainly don't presume to have any scientific knowledge on anything of any value to most people.  We do have a theory on who let the dogs out and something we like to call the "poop principle", but that is hardly an academic achievement.

Einstein on the other hand, knew his theories.  For example, his theory of relativity states (and here is where our lack of scientific knowledge is on display) that the mass of an object affects both the space and time around that object.  If we had our way we would rename this theory the Fat Guy That Sits Next To Me on the Plane, Squishing Me Into the Window, that Drones On and On About Star Trek and Smells Strongly of Frito's Theory.  If you want to see a practical explanation of Einsteins theory, this is it.  The space you are smashed into as well as how time will literally stand still is all the proof we need that Einstein was right.

You could also try to prove Einstein's theory the way the scientists did using a satellite with gyros in it, but that doesn't drive it home like the Fat Frito Guy on a Plane does.

Source: http://www.space.com/8279-einstein-rules-universe.html

Los Angeles Lakers -

There is trouble in the land of the misplaced team name.  Down 0-2 to the Dallas Mavericks, it doesn't look good for the Jack Nicholson's guys.  

What am I saying... things are looking great!  The sun is shining and the birds are chirping.  Music is playing and people are dancing.  Mavs and Bulls in the Finals anyone?

Did You Hear the One About Michael Jackson, Marlin Brando, and Elizabeth Taylor?

Okay, so this one is pretty funny.  Apparently Michael Jackson, Marlin Brando and Elizabeth Taylor went on a road trip to get away from New York on 9/11.  They rented a car in Jersey to ride cross country to California.  Marlin Brando had them stop at all the fast food restaurants on the way through... perhaps he made them an offer they couldn't refuse?


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Just wanted to take a second and say...

"May the Forth be with you"

Busy, Busy, Busy

Okay, so not too busy, just a little busy.  You can cancel the APB and the missing persons report.  The Wise Guy is back...