Monday, December 19, 2011

Odd Sayings - Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

The English language is full of funny quirks.  None the least of which are colloquialisms.  These are sayings that are part of local speech, but not necessarily used elsewhere.  For example, the contraction y'all.  Combining 'you' and 'all' is ever present the further south in the United States you go.  It is used in the following ways -

When referring to one person - Are y'all going to the mall?

When referring to a group of two or more - Are all y'all going to the mall?

It's great, and it shows that English is a langauge that is alive and growing.  It does, however, grow mold.  For example, one of my pet peaves is when someone says something like this -

"Well, that's a whole 'nother thing".

Which begs the question, what is a half 'nother'?

What other colloquialisms are prevelant in your neck of the woods?  :)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Neutering Christmas

Recently a story ran about a non-religious group who took offense of a banner that ran across a street in Pitman, NJ.  The offending banner stated simply, 'Keep Christ in Christmas'.

Four simple words about a holiday that is celebrated by more than a billion people worldwide caused a group based in Madison, Wisconsin to send a letter demanding the mayor of the city to take the sign down.

“Our purpose is to protect the fundamental constitutional principle of separation of state and church.  The government cannot in any way promote, advance, or otherwise endorse religion. The Christ banner unmistakably endorses the Christian faith.”

Time could be spent explaining to this group that 'separation of church and state' is not a constitutional principle, but a quote from Thomas Jefferson that has been used to back up religious discrimination like this, but it is doubtful that this group would be receptive.  In fact, their response was to continue to discriminate, harass, and defame Christians specifically and God fearing people in general by creating their own banner -

“There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell ... Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”

The above is considered civil and intelligent, while reminding believers to keep Christ in Christmas is hateful and State promotion of religion.

It is truly amazing to see the change that is wrought in our society by an overly sensitive culture.  Where once their was civility and respect, there is now enmity and outright hatred exhibited by our fellow men.  People with opposing views on religion will no longer willingly seek out common ground.

The neutering of Christmas has been going on for a very long time, and it continues today.  Corporations large and small no longer have Christmas parties, simply Winter/Holiday parties.  This happens despite the fact that you are having a party in December around Christmas and likely have for a long time simply because Christmas is in December.

Perhaps if those who do not believe in Jesus Christ used some of His teachings in their lives, we might come to a place of mutual respect at last.  Until then, offense will be taken when no offense is intended, and we will further distance ourselves from the reason for the season... Hope, Peace, and Good Will Toward Men.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnd We're Back!!!!

Due to events/circumstances beyond my control....

Well, not so much events or circumstances, and when I say beyond I mean within and by control, I mean... well, control.

So to restate, due to non events and non circumstances that are well within my control, I haven't posted.  I have now removed said non events/circumstances because as I stated before, they are/were within my control.

There.  Clear?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

WTHIUWT Part 3 - Infomercials

WTHIUWT Part 3 brings us to one of the biggest issues with TV today; infomercials.  There is a local channel that many of you may have heard of, especially if you have younger kids.  The channel is Qubo, and it has many shows that my kids love to watch.  The one and only gripe I have about Qubo is that infomericals replace normal commericals from other channels.

Infomercials usually follow the pattern below:

- Show an idiot trying to do a simple thing in the worst possible way.

- Show them making a mess doing it the worst possible way.

- Introduce new and interesting product that helps said idiot do a simple task in a way that was never intended.

- Show idiots happy family as the product of the simple task is shown to them

- Offer - 4 of x items for $$$ along with the handy, dandy <thing>.  But wait, there's more.  If you act now, we'll double your order.  8 of x items and two handy, dandy <things> for $$$ plus $$$$

- Sorry, no C.O.D.'s

One I saw the other day was for people who have serious issues.  They mutilate pancakes without regard for the shape they end up in.  They put the pan on the oven upside down and then spread the batter directly onto the burner.  They then take a plastic spatula to the batter and it melts to the burner.

Next comes the lady who brings in the new contraption, which looks more like a mideival torture divice than a pancake mutilator.

It's great... and if you act now, I will throw in this handy, dandy socket wrench.

Setting the Bar

Have you ever had a day where you felt the bar was set too high?  I must say that this morning, for me, the bar was set uncomfortably out of reach.  My alarm went off at 5:30am, I woke up, rolled over, and promptly smacked into the bar.  This morning, my bar was somewhere between getting up out of bed and not.

With all the advancements in medicine and the fact that we are continually living longer and better lives, you would think that waking up would be something of joy, but its not.  The bar for the day is set low for sure when you consider getting up to be a major accomplishment.

Who is in charge of setting the bar for today?  Certainly not me, or I would have put the bar somewhere under the bed.

Monday, September 12, 2011

WTHIUWT Part 2 - English

In Part 2 of my continuing series called "What the Heck is Up with That", we delve into another of lifes little mud pies, English.

English is a West Germanic language that originated from the Anglo-Frisian dialects brought to Britain by Germanic invaders from various parts of what is now northwest Germany and the Netherlands.  In other words, English is a mutt language consisting of the waste of Latin and German, mingled with any other language that had a word that English did not.

Much like the childhood game of telephone, certain English rules were passed down through several stages after which nobody remembers why it's done that way, just that it is.  For example, 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' makes perfect sense.  Piece of cake, right?  Oh, crap!!!!  What about 'neighbor' and 'weigh'?  Suppose you use a rule of thumb to mind your p's and q's?  Lost?

Even better are terms that sound alike but are spelled differently (heterographs)?  Read, Reid, Reed, or weigh and way.  How about homographs?  Read, and read (red)?

How about large words that describe something small?  I'm looking at you 'abreviation'.

Or onomatopoeia (words that sound like their sounds... er something like that)?  Buzz, moo, galumph?  Also, why does spelling matter with words like these?  What if to me a cow goes mumumumoooo?  Why can't I spell it they way it sounds to me?

This brings me to another point.  Why can't I just spell something phonetically?  Phonetically is an oxymoron, but oxymoron isn't oxy nor moronic, but it is spelled phonetically.

There are also silent letters in the English language.  Read should be re-ad or to add again, but it's not.  If I want to silence a given letter, like in the word 'shifty', I get in trouble, but no one bats an eye at page or slime.

English is the language of choice in the world today, so learn it.  Just don't be surprised if someone looks at you funny when you re-ad a book.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

WTHIUWT Part 1 - Unsportsmanlike Conduct - Excesive Celebration

Over the past several days, it has occurred to me that there are  a ton of things in the world that serve little to no purpose.  It is for this reason that I have decided to do a five part series entitled - WTHIUWT - What the Heck is UP With That.

Part one I will dive into something that has irritated me about football.  is Unsportsmanlike Conduct - Excessive Celebration.  This is the unfortunate penalty one incurs by jumping, shouting, fist pumping, or breathing in a threatening way.  So after scoring a touchdown that ties the game in the final 20 seconds, you jump/fist pump/shout/breathe, and the next thing you know your kicker is attempting a very blockable and much harder to hit extra point kick.

The kicker then misses the kick, loses the game, and becomes the goat.  The problem, though, is not the kicker but the rule that pushed his kick back too far.  Is seems the expectation is for players to respond much like you would in a Chinese Checkers match.  I can see it now.  Forty-five yard Hail Mary pass is caught in the end zone after being batted in the air several times for the game winning score in the National Championship game.  The players look at each other, calm their breathing, and politely congratulate the receiver who caught the ball.

Chinese checkers doesn't require any full contact hitting, so the adrenaline probably isn't pumping so much.  Though I haven't been in the National Championship Chines Checkers match, so I don't know.

I say jump around and carry on during a 20 second celebration period.  Do snow angels on the grass, pull out the Sharpie, whatever.  After that, back to the game.  Keep it simple.  The only alternative is to take the excitement out of the game and introduce doilies.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Soccer - The Bunch Ball Method - Other Applications

Over the past weekend, I was able to take in a couple of soccer games.  By 'take in' I mean coach and by 'soccer games' I of course mean chaotic kicking while wearing brightly colored uniforms.

As coach, it is my responsibility to manage the chaos within the lines.  This is a lot like trying to get shepherd six kids down the candy isle without on piece of candy leaving the shelf.  Now, don't get me wrong, hard though it may be to keep the kids in the lines, I was laughing most of the time.

Part of the humor is what people like to call 'bunch ball'.  It's where all kids surround the ball in a menacing way and kick at the same time.  The effect of all the kicking produces very humorous results.  The kids get all turned around as the parents yell, "KICK IT", and "GO THE OTHER WAY" at the top of their lungs, which to kids on the field sounds a lot like "DJFPEOIJAS SDFOIJT" and  "HEIUXCF SDF GJOWE FSOBNX".  All of this inevitably leads to the ball going wherever it wants to and the kids chase after it until bunch ball begins again.

I have been thinking recently how not unlike bunch ball some so called 'grown up' pursuits can be.  For example, I think bunch ball accurately describes the way politicians go at a topic.  For example, taxes.  One group for and one group against stands around the issue kicking with all their might.  No direction is required, just kick.  The problem is that no matter how much you kick the ball, it never seems to get any closer to the goal.  All the while, the tax payers are yelling at them to do one thing or an other which the politicians construe to mean that they are doing a good job, as they are not really listening anyway.

Bunch ball accomplishes nothing most of the time other than making everyone tired.  The problem is that it chaos sometimes produces a desired result, so it perpetuates chaos as the way to accomplish something.

Another example of 'grown up' bunch ball is how many people approach life in general.  Rather than setting specific goals for improvement, they simply go down the road of life looking for the ball and start kicking it along with everyone else.  Eventually one of them will get some success, but on the whole, no one accomplishes much of anything.

The moral of today's story should be obvious.  Bunch ball is fun to watch, but hardly worth your time the older you get.

Friday, August 26, 2011

..... .... my aching back....

Today, as part of my never ending quest to explain what happens when you age... I SAID, AS PART OF MY NEVER ENDING QUEST TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPNES WHEN YOU AGE... I am always on the alert for interesting quirks of getting old.

I, myself, am not old yet, but I have experiencing some of the joys of aging.  One happened today.  I was walking down the hall at work with a microwavable pizza when for reasons unknown, I decided to attempt to drop it.  Neat thing about me is my cat like reflexes.  Meaning, my brain reacts quickly to stuff like that.  Problem is, my brain doesn't have hands to catch stuff, so it uses my body.

My body, while mostly cooperative, this time decided to perform in a less than helfull way.  In slow motion, I watched as the pizza tumbled toward the ground.  My brain then imediately sends the signals to my arms, back, legs, abs, feet, and for some reason a small seldom used muscle on my back.  This muscle, which by all rights should only be used while lifting sacks of rice sideways onto a large table, goes crazy and attempts (I can only assume) to catch the falling pizza on its own.

Now this little muscle, also without hands and the power to do anything other than move said sacks of rice sideways onto a large table, demonstrating courage and the chutzpah of a nerdy kid asking the head cheerleader on a date, blows up in the attempt.

I now have a pain about two inches under my left shoulder blade.  Interesting pain it is too.

Oh and I have come to the the interesting quirk of getting old... telling everyone about the pain.

You're Welcome.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Switcheroo

I was sitting at my desk today eating some pretzels, when it occured to me that my mouth was exceedingly dry.  I reached for my cup that was filled with pink lemonade.  I put the straw to my mouth and took a large sip.

I gagged as I realized that there were two cups on my desk.  One with my ice cold pink lemonade, and the other with something I can only describe as foot fungus in liquid form.  As I went into convulsions, I looked around to try to get a grasp on what just happened.

It then all came back to me.  One of my co-workers had come to my desk to ask a question and had left their 'health' drink at my desk.  With it being the same cup type, I had no idea that I was about to injest his liquid foot fungus....

This brings me to my two points of the day...

1 - Eating foot fungus is not healthy.

2 - 'A cup full of foot fungus' sounds like a great name for a band.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Ask the Chef - How To Make The Perfect Hamburger

On today's 'Ask the Chef' we will be talking about grilling.  In particular we will be talking about the rare art of grilling ground beef.  When cooking a hamburger, many do not understand the important place they hold in society.  As the master of the grill, you wield the power of taste, to provide the satisfaction of stomach. You are the pleaser of the palate... the sultan of patty... (t-shirt pending).

When you cook your hamburger, there are some things to do and some things not to do. I have a very simple list of Do's and Don'ts...

  • Do use real meat. Beef only.  Sure they call them hamburgers not beefburgers, but don't use ham and for heaven's sake don't use turkey....
  • Do use beef with low fat content, or be prepared to start with a one foot wide burger and end up with one that is roughly the size of the cheapy burgers at McDonald's. 
  • Do use some kind of barbecue sauce
  • Do include garlic
  • Don't make bricks. Meaning, don't overcook. Flame kissed, not flame French kissed.
  • If you are using hamburger from your local grocery store (gags), DON'T UNDER COOK. It is frowned upon in culinary circles when your guests die from some crazy bacteria.
  • Don't walk away from the grill. A perfect burger is killed by BFD (Burger Forgetfullness Disorder) moments.
  • Don't tick of the bees. Bees are a part of grilling, so it's better if they be happy.
  • Last but not least, watch out for crazy uncle Lou. He has been banned from backyard barbeque's for a reason. DON'T INVITE LOU.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Why Is The Sky Blue?

This is one of lifes great questions, right next to why do we have boogers and the all important question, if a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
The mind boggles...
Where was I?  Oh yeah, well, to be honest, the sky has no color. Blue is what are eyes perceive, but there is no pigment to Nitrogen, and Oxygen.  Even more peculiar is that space is black, but how can nothing have a color? And if nothing has a color, and the sky is colorless, then wouldn't the sky be nothing too? 
And if nothing can be black and blue then why is water blue in oceans and lakes?  Water is hydrogen and oxygen which when combined together makes a visible liquid that has no color, but is hardly nothing.  If water has a blue color in a lake or ocean, why does it not have a color when it's in my glass? 
So, in conclusion, if water, the sky, and space have no color, and are not nothing... why do they look the way they do?

Answer: God

Friday, August 5, 2011

What School Are You From?

An interesting thing happened on the way to work this morning.  As I was driving, I came across a rather shiny red Corvette that was pulled over on the side of the street.  In the brief few seconds I had to observe, I noted a few rather interesting things.

1 - The Corvette was brand spanking new.  This was easy to spot as the new owner license sticker was still there in place of the actual license plate.

2 - There was a man who, obviously in the throws of a spectacular midlife crisis, was standing in too-short-to-be-legal shorts, white socks, sandals, and a curiously bold Hawaiian shirt.

3 - The man was holding a phone.  Not a sleek phone to match his Corvette mind you, but a substantially hefty flip phone.

This brings me to today's initial question with an even more intriguing follow up.  Seeing that there are two schools, old and new, from which school are you?  Is it possible to be from both schools and not look/act/feel like an idiot?

For this man, I think he is the captain of the Old School rowing team.  The problem for him is that while he is very good at rowing, and the quite popular at the Old School, he only has eyes for the New School.  You see, his son goes to the New School where they have something called 'moto...cross' and ''.  Even more intriguing is something called MT...... V and uh.... X... Games.

So Mr. Rowing Captain decides to come up to the New School for a visit and puts in his papers for a transfer.  Rowing doesn't exist at the New School and he isn't quite sure how oars fit in with Motocross.  Should he discard the oars?  Heck no.  Those oars look mighty fine as wings on his dirt bike.

Mr. Rowing Captain then changes his name to Mr. Cool Oar Guy and buys a new shiny dirt bike that he refuses to drive anywhere and gives his comb over a faux hawk.

So, to answer the question, no you cannot be from both schools, and yes you look and act stupid when you try.  The problem is that it feels soooooo good....

Thursday, August 4, 2011

If It A'int Broke...

There are varying definitions people assign to the word  'broken'.  Take the iPhone for instance.  I know some people who would view a scratch on any part of their iPhone as critical damage.  Then there are some who could drop it from a bridge into a lake full of boiling lava and as long as they could still make out the 'Apple' logo, it would suffice.

With such a wide variation in our views on the subject, it is no wonder that we as humans spend so much time arguing over the concept of 'broken'.  For example, I have a hat that I have used for many years.  To me, the sweat stains and the little thread that hangs down from the bill add to the character of the hat.  Hard working head wear doesn't come around every day.  My wife on the other hand keeps trying to cut the thread off, or throw the hat away completely.  I think she has even tried to put Febreze on it to kill the smell....  Come to think of it....  I haven't seen that hat for a long time....

Do the police allow missing persons reports for hats?

Back From Vacation

So it turns out that people actually miss this blog when I am gone.  Go figure.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Random News Friday

The problem with most posts on blogs is that the writer doesn't know how to introduce their topic in a way that grabs most peoples attention.  This means that they don't get past the first couple of sentences without leaving the blog...

It occurs to me that I may have lost you in my introduction...

Well, for those of you who stayed, I bring you RANDOM NEWS FRIDAY!

Georgia Lemonade Girls

In a recent blog post I brought to you a story about three Georgia girls who were prohibited from having a lemonade stand due to the fact that they didn't have a business license and a food handlers permit.  This is of course because nothing is more insidious than a lemonade stand.  The towns police should have a new slogan.  "Keeping the public safe from watery lemonade".
To make matters worse, the purpose of the lemonade stand was to help them earn money to afford entry into a local water park.  This nefarious plot wherein children earn money through selling a product they had made was foiled by the police.  I mean to say, lemonade which contains water being sold to gain entry to a water park

Well, this story has just had a new twist.  The manager at the water park has just offered to let the girls sell their lemonade in the water park.  The girls were also given free entry to the park.  The only problem is that the city is still pondering charges against the girls.  Sounds like a good use of tax dollars to me.

Tiger Woods Back From Rehab

Tiger Woods has recently tweeted that he would be back in action for the Bridgestone invitational.  After spending several weeks out of action with a knee/achilles injury sustained at the Masters earlier this year, I am sure he is ready to get back into the swing of things....

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


There are somethings in this world that will never be explained.  Who let the dogs out?  Was there a second shooter on the grass covered "small hill or mound"? (someone once asked me what a knoll was, so rather than get that question again, I defined it.  You're welcome.)  If a tree falls in the forest and lands on somebody, does the tree care?

Well, one mystery can finally be put to rest.  Photons cannot travel faster than light.  This is like saying that sound waves cannot travel faster than the speed of sound.  Considering a photon is basically a unit of light, it means that light cannot travel faster than itself. 

I know there is more to it than that, but this has got me thinking... if someone can get a grant for proving light travels at the speed of light, could I get a grant to prove arachnids have eight legs?  Or perhaps, could I study the spelling of the word aardvark?  I mean, why the double 'a' to start the word?  It's not pronounced a a rdvark.

I also have a theory on who let the dogs out.

Say What?!?!?!

I am going to increase my debt limit today.  In spending more money than I take in by about fifty percent,  it has become clear that I must spend more.  The one thing that is clear to me and has been for quite some time is that the more I spend, the more I make.

This being the case, I propose the following budget plan:

  • Cut the increase in spending from fifty percent to fourty-nine percent.
  • Increase the rate at which I spend money on fly-by-night investments, like inflateable cars.
  • Cut discresionary spending on icecream and move it to doughnuts.
  • Cut seventy-five percent from dog clothing budget.
  • Increase the rate of decrease in the increased budget for leg band initiative in which a leg band is purchased for everyone who stands for the increase in the decrease of the increased budget.
  • Increase revenue by pick-pocketing.
The above will be the basis by which I will prove my fiscal responsiblity and my ability to repay my debts.

Any questions?  Want to invest?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Truth, Justice, and.... oooh.... Shiny!

There was a time when the office where I work had a walkway clear of any hurdle.  My mind had memorized that hallway to the point that I could literally walk backwards, blindfolded, and gagged and still make it.  It was a perfect place to walk and chew gum even for the most clumsy person.  That is until someone decided to put a plant in the hallway that sticks out halfway from the wall.  Many a person has run into that plant because, like so many things, we don't realize we've lost something until we impale ourselves on a tree.

The same can be said about life in general.  Growing up, I recall a time when I could go outside and play in an open field and do pretty much whatever I wanted.  We built a tree house that everyone in the neighborhood used.  In travelling back to that same spot today, there are houses as far as the eye can see.  It happened gradually, but the open spaces that so many held dear are now gone.

The issue here is how quickly our minds focus on the shiny as a new way to slice bread.  Sometimes, the original doesn't need improvement.  Another example is how subtly American superheroes have change over the years to where they are nearly devoid of the American part of their character.  Superman stands for truth, justice, and all that stuff.  Wonder Woman ditched the star spangled lingerie.  Spiderman doesn't mention NYC anymore.

The thing is, American values haven't changed, but the way some people look at them has become more popular.  America still stands for freedom, truth, and justice.  It still stands for greatness and fair play.  The question is, who will stand up for these values?  Standing together with those who hold them so dear will ensure their survival.  Ignore those values and truths, and we lose them.  One day we will impale ourselves on the tree and wonder what the heck happened.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Lemonade or Terrorist Plot?

Lemonade.... can there be a better way to quench your thirst than with some watered down lemonade from a corner stand?  Sure at fifty cents for an increasingly smaller glass, it is overpriced.  I can buy a package of Lemonade (Kool-Aid) for 18 cents plus the cost of sugar (35 cents) and produce a pitcher full of lemonade, but it's the principle of the thing, right?

The self worth and self reliance that a simple lemonade stand teaches is extraordinary.  Working toward a goal is always the better way.  It also teaches you to understand people.  Do people like warm lemonade on a 90 degree day, or do they prefer a little ice?  Would they mind paying 10 cents more for that ice?  Is it possible to get even more sticky if I spill some on the table and let it sit in the hot sun?  Even more important, if I play in it with my fingers and/or other body parts, does it make it more or less likely to be appetizing to others?

The opportunities for learning are endless, which is why I find the following story all that more disturbing.

Some youths in Georgia were on private property selling lemonade.  Perhaps the police officer didn't like lemonade, or had a bad experience with lemonade in the past, or perhaps hates little children.  For whatever reason though, the officer pulled over and informed them that their lemonade stand was throwing off the rotation of the earth and needed to be closed down for the greater good.  Now, if that were true, I could see the need for this stand to be taken down.  I mean, it's for the greater good....

The problem was actually related to the fact that they did not have a proper food handlers permit and business license, which at 180 bucks was just a tad out of the youngsters price range.  The best part was the quote from the police chief who said, "police also didn't know how the lemonade was made, who made it or what was in it."

Well, first you take your lemons and then you take your ade.... mix thoroughly.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Lapse in Judgement

The frontal lobe of your brain is the area where cause and effect are ironed out.  The younger you are, the less developed this sense is.  Consequently, you get a five year old who thinks that if he jumps off the top of the monkey bars, he will float safely to the ground.  Actually, he doesn't even think past, "I am gonna jump off the bars.... WEEEEEEEEE!"

The underdevelopment of the frontal lobe even explains why I, while in 5th grade, gave a letter to a girl in my class that proclaimed my "love" and asked the following question:

Do you...

a- Love me
b- Like me
c- Hate me
d- Think I am the ugliest boy on the face of the earth

I have relived the moment several times in my mind all the while trying to will my younger self to either not send the letter, or get rid of options "c" and "d".  Alas, my younger self was unable to get the message, and the letter remains with option "d" circled.

At or around the age of 21, the frontal lobe starts to connect the dots.  This also explains why I thought, up until that point, that my parents were idiots.  While making decisions in my youth, my parents were always there to point out the pitfalls.  Unfortunately, while they were talking, my mind turned on "Pop Goes the Weasel" which drowned out their advice.  (By the way, you're welcome for getting "Pop Goes the Weasel" stuck in your head.)

As the age of 21 approached, the volume on the song varied from barely audible to overpowering.  This explains walking in a lightning storm with my umbrella held high and getting struck by a tiny bolt of lightning, but it also explains why I did not go cliff diving from the very same spot that someone had died a year previous.

So now that we have gone through the excuse built in for those under 21, what is the excuse for those over 21?  For example, when tragedy struck as a 39 year old father fell to his death while trying to catch a ball in Texas Ranger stadium, why on earth would another man days later even reach over the precipice?  The man nearly met the same fate.

In all seriousness, we need to take a moment and turn down the music.  Take a moment and consider the possible consequences of our actions.  If we can all be a little more thoughtful, we might avoid some of the most serious of those consequences and maybe stick around on the third rock from the sun a little longer.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Too Much Time On Your Hands

I think people can be separated into three distinct groups.  Protesters, counter protesters, and people who work.  If there is one thing that I have noticed recently, the first two groups of people seem to have an overwhelming amount of time on their hands.  I see people out protesting, which in and of itself can be about 10 percent of the time a worthy use of ones time.  Mostly, though, it does about as much good as screaming at an spider and expecting it to get scared and leave.

"Heck no, no more processed chicken!!!  Heck no, no more processed chicken!!!"

Is the processed chicken killing you?  No.  Do you have other food consumption options?  Yes! 

The worst kind of protesters in my opinion are those who protest the protesters.  They're the ones that try to make their endeavors sound smart by calling them "counter protests", though it inevetiably devolves into a child's playground arguement.

"Heck no, no more processed chicken!!!  Heck no, no more processed chicken!!!"

Then you get the 'counter' argument...

"You guys are stupid"

There are protesters I see every day on the way to work.  Oddly enough, they don't seem to leave to go anywhere.  They are there all day.  This leaves me to wonder if perhaps there is a lot of money in protesting....

Protest unfair taxation.... good.

Protest dangerous work environment.... good.

Protesting to get chocolate milk out of children's schools.... maybe not.

Protesting the protesters and those who protest the protesters in a blog... crap, got me there...

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

What Went Wrong... You Tube edition

Have you ever been in a situation where you were left with a face like this?

It can happen to anyone at any time.  Imagine you are moments away from slipping.  What would your face look like?

Anyway, for a lighter side of falls, I present...

... not enough denture adhesive...

And to end it... Charlie bit me again...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Over the past several days, the topic of Freedom have been on my mind.  As the one thing we can hardly do without, it seems to be the one thing that is in shorter and shorter supply.  Understanding full well the fact that many of our readers hail from countries outside of the United States, I will try to draw comparisons that will apply to everyone.  That being the case, though, I cannot and will not separate my views on freedom from the founding of the United States as I believe this country has been and will be the place where freedom will be won or lost for the world.

The Declaration of Independence states:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.


With rights endowed to man by their Creator, one would think those rights would never be in dispute.  The right to live is always under attack, whether it be from despots who wish to "clense the world", to people who would destroy life for gain or political expendiency.  This one right, is the foundation whereupon all others rest.  Without the right to live, one cannot be free nor happy.

Once we descend to the point where we are assigning criteria in order to have the "Right to Life" there is little that can be done to return from that presipice.  The right to live is God given, therefore it is absolute and unquestionable.


The second part of our fundamental freedoms is Liberty.  I hate talks that give definitions, but this one I think is instructive.

In essence, the liberty is the freedom of choice.  Mankind is free to choose their course; to chart it to their good, or their destruction.  A consequence is affixed to every choice.  To be truely free, one must accept that their freedom to choose can not exempt them from the results of those choices.

Pursuit of Happiness

The final prong to our freedom is the pursuit of happiness.  America was built upon the belief that a man could only be held back by the scope and breadth of his vision.  Anyone can be whatever they want to be.  This particular value is attacked from two entirely different places. 

One is by those who feel that posessions and status are owed to them by their neighbors.  These people feel that because someone has more than they do, that some injustice has been wrought.  They feel that the only way to fix the imbalance is to take from those who have rather than to work themselves up to that level.

They see hard limits on their progression, whereas those who have see their struggles as steps to where they want to be.

Another part of finding your happiness is knowing it when you find it.  Happiness is not in possesions, nor is it in status.  Find your happiness and live there.  Don't try to occupy anothers happy place, because it's likely not a one size fits all situation.

Defense of Freedom

Ronald Reagan once said:

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free."

It is when we cease defending the endowments of God that we lose our freedom.  Little by little, almost unnoticed, we give away at enormous cost, the liberty we hold most dear.  It is my hope and prayer that there never comes a day where we are so far removed from our God given freedom that we no longer know what it looks like.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Welcome to Backward Land

I was recently driving to work when a massive truck deliberately blocked my path while I was entering the freeway.  I had to slow to a near stop to prevent being squished.  This got me to thinking, (after I yelled at the guy from the safety of my car, of course), is this guys head firmly planted up his butt?  Which actually makes sense because only by sitting on your head could you have made a move so brilliant.

It seems now days, unlike the carefree days of my childhood in the 80's, the world is a kind of backward mess.  For example, while growing up, it was common practice to go outside whenever you could so as to play sports, go swimming, or otherwise engage in childhood frivolity.  You couldn't go three steps without encountering said frivolity.

Now, though, you drive through neighborhoods of houses that are seemingly vacant.  Not a single child outside playing.  In fact, if by chance you did see a child outside playing, you'd wonder what kind of crappy parents would let their children play outside.

It turns out that in Backward Land, we go inside to enjoy our frivolity.  Not active frivolity, mind you, but the simulated kind in front of the television.  I used to hate being inside.  Inside actually used to be a punishment.  Now it's a treat.

Another part of Backward Land is the way we treat one another.  How many times do you see someone on the street and you wave to them just because they are there?  To better illustrate how backward we are now, what is the first thing that comes into your mind when you see someone dare wave TO YOU?

"What on earth is that weirdo waving at?  Probably a pervert, or someone trying to case the neighborhood."

Now, I am not saying that we need to revisit the 50's or Leave it to Beaver, heaven knows I would miss my iPhone...

But maybe we can turn a few of those things to face the right way again?  Perhaps we ought to strive to be a little more kind, and a little more selfless.

Backward Land needs to turn around.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

US Airways - No Saggy Pants Just Crossdressing

I am sure some of you have heard about the University of New Mexico football player who was kicked of a US Airways flight because of saggy pants.  You haven't?  Well, there was a University of New Mexico football player who was kicked off a US Airways flight for saggy pants.

Now I, being the hip guy that I am, understand style and self expression.  Sometimes you just gotta sag your pants.  For me, that time is when I am taking them off at night to go to sleep, but for the UNM player it was on a flight from California.  I shall make no judgement on the player and his saggy pants other than to say if it breaks the rules, pull your pants up.

The thing is, rules are rules and due to the fact that he refused to pull his pants up, he was arrested.  I wasn't there, so there could be more to it, but it seems as though this is a slight overreaction.  Especially when coupled with the following story:

A man who wished to not be identified climbs aboard US Airways dressed in women's undergarments.  His does it because it makes his business travel more enjoyable.... and by so doing makes everyone else feel less joy.

Now for the crazy part.  This guy can crossdress in ladies underwear and the UNM guy can't sag his pants.  If the rule is that you cannot dress in such a way that your pants hang around your knees, then shouldn't a half naked 65 year old also be against the rules?

I mean, COME ON!!!!

Question of the Day - Why Do We Breathe Air?

Why do we breathe air? Why could we not breathe chocolate or something else more enjoyable?

This is a question that has been debated for a long time. I mean, when walking down the street in any large city in the world, the first thing that pops in your mind as you cough is "why can't I breathe chocolate or something else more enjoyable?"

The task to answer this question is daunting to say the least, but here is my attempt:

1. Evolution - It's simple really when you consider evolution and natural selection. All we need is for a large group or population to die off trying to breath chocolate.  Once you wait for about 10 million years --- ZAMO!!!--- Combo air/chocolate breathers are born... that works... right?

2. One thing that might also be the reason we cannot breathe chocolate is due the fact that it is an aphrodisiac. Could you imagine a bunch of love crazed people running around the planet all the time? In the words of Brillat-Savarin,Jean Anthelme:

La truffe n'est point un aphrodisiaque positif; mais elle peut, en certaines occasions, rendre les femmes plus tendres et les hommes plus aimables.

Translated roughly -

The nose is not an aphrodisiac positive but may, on occasions, make women more tender and men more amiable.

Makes perfect sense to me.....

3.  The only real way we have to do this is to make the air chocolate flavored.  Unfortunately there is only one brown thing air can smell like easily and it isn't chocolate....

Heat Is On

I never realized what pressure was until I talked to someone in charge of making sure the 'hamburger' gets to McDonald's on time.  For me, I would hardly consider McDonald's meat beef.  More like beef product, or meat alternative with beef flavor.

Anyway, imagine a very busy McDonald's without "meat".  I asked the manager how much "meat" they go through in a day and it was astounding.  One thousand pounds of "meat" on a slow day and up to ten thousand pounds when it's busy. 

That's a crap load of meat... Which, when you think about it, works on so many levels. 

Monday, June 20, 2011


I have been pondering recently, which animals/insects/bugs give me the willies.  Why?  Well, it's due to a story I read about an unfortunate family in Idaho.

The family bought their dream house at a steal of a price.  They moved it and at once started to have problems.  The first clue to the issue was that while working around the yard, they ran into several non venomous snakes.  This is not out of the ordinary for Idaho, so they didn't think anything of it.  That was until they started running into them INSIDE the house.

At one point, the father was rounding up dozens every day.  They could hear them slithering through the walls at night.  As luck would have it, the house was built upon the winter spawning grounds for these snakes.  Thousands of them were residing under, in, and around the house.

Now, I am not one to be affraid of a snake.  Thousands, though, definitely makes the hair on my neck stand on end.

Now, I want to compare that with my experience with a very, very large spider in the Philippines.  This spider was larger than my hand and was carrying hundreds of babies on its back.  Oh, did I mention it was in my house?

Yeah, well, I can honestly say that since the spider thing I witnessed first hand, it definitely trumps the Idaho Snake House.

Which are worse for you?  Snakes or Spiders?  See the poll on the full blog.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Gee Whiz - It's Science Friday!!!! FECAL BURGER EDITION

It's been a while since I have read a really good science story, let alone one that I thought I could share that would leave you amazed, more intelligent, and at the same time grossed out.  Well, the search is over....

Dateline, Japan.  Japanese scientists have been working feverishly on improving hamburgers.  They tried cooking it slowly over an open flame, and they have also tried cooking it very quickly to scare all of the bacteria out of it.  For some reason, however, all of their attempts have tasted like crap.

Now for you and me, crappy tasting hamburgers would be cause to take up another hobby like knitting or at least find a different thing to test your science on.  These scientists actually took a different tack.  "If we can make hamburgers that taste like crap... can we make crap that tastes like hamburgers?"

They extracted the protien from human feces and made it into hamburgers.  They put a little steak sauce to flavor it, but it tastes just like a hamburger.... well, that's what they say, and I am completely willing to take their word for it!

The benefits are of course that there will be less crap in the sewer, and potential obesity control.  Fecal burgers are sure to be a hit diet.

The Unscratchable Itch

Have you ever had an itch right in the middle of your back just out of reach of your fingers?  It doesn't matter how much you scratch near the itch from above or below it never really quite fixes it.  Only direct contact can solve the problem, but asking your neighbor or some passer by in the hall to scratch the itch is taboo.

This is where the wall, and more particularly the corner of the wall, comes in handy.  So you pretend to be going to the bathroom, all the way scoping out potential back scratching areas.  Two things make the spot desirable.

1 - Sharp Corners -  Rounding corners might be safer, but they are horible at itch relief... which is why you build things in your house anyway...

2 - Out of public view - You are not an adorable grizzly bear, nor are you a cute puppy.  As such, nobody should have to watch you.

Ok, so now you have your spot and nobody is looking.  How do you scratch that itch?  Some like circles, and others like side to side.  The best actually is a figure eight as it gives you the best chance of hitting every potential itchy spot.

....... now, isn't that better?  Now if only itching your behind were that easy...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Support Our Advertisers

Just wanted to take a second to thank you for pushing the Wise Guy and Beyond blog over one thousandth page view this month.  It's great to have so many people read and take part in this blog.


If you get a chance and like one of our sponsors, feel free to click on their links and support them.


It truly is a talent to be able to explain yourself no matter the audience.  For those who can speak to anyone and be understood, the world is their Big Mac (I hate oysters).  Then there are those who couldn't tailor their message any more than monkeys could tailor theirs.

For example, I just tried to explain pocket lint to a five year old...

"Uh, when you wash your pants, they get... uh... a little bit of the fabric... er... pants ends up in the pocket."

Perfect, right?  Well, you know you did it wrong if the first question after explaining something is...


Yes, indeed, I should have just left it as "crap that the washer puts in your pocket". 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Have you ever wanted to hand someone the dictionary in order to prove the "word" they just used existed?

I felt that way earlier today while talking to a friend.  He kept using the world irregularness to describe the way an app was working on his phone.  I tried really hard to overlook it because heaven knows I make up words all the time while trying to censor myself, but after the third time of him using the word, I had to call him on it.

Why do you keep saying that word?  I do not think it means what you think it means...

History.... What Happened?

Recently a study was released that startled me.  Just 45 percent of 12th graders scored at or above "basic" on the history test. About 10 percent of seniors scored "proficient," and 1 percent are considered to have an "advanced" knowledge of U.S. history.

For our international readers, this might be a cause to laugh, but don't get to hasty.  It is a good bet that your country scores much lower on U.S. History than we do...........

There are so many reasons to know your history.  None the least of which is not repeating it.  For example, you know that chair with the impossibly pointy wheel mechanism?  The one that you know for sure will impale you if you even look at it sideways?  Yeah, that one.  How many times did you have to stub your toe on that before you avoided it?

There is so much more at stake than stubbed toes here though.  World wars have been fought and people have lost their lives due to our lack of understanding of history.  In the United States, we have fought a Civil War and there are a surprising amount of people who do not know why.

In the spirit of understanding and teaching, I present to you a very small quiz on U.S. History in the hopes that it will scare you into learning.

1 - How many original British colonies were there?

2 - What is the Declaration of Independence and when was it signed?

3 - Who wrote the Declaration? (I will slap you if you say John Hancock)

4 - From which country did the United States declare their independence?
  • In what year?
5 - What is the Constitution of the United States?

6 - What year was the Constitution of the United States ratified?

7 - What are the Bill of Rights?
  • Name two of them

7 - Who was the first President of the United States?
  • The Second?
8 - What war(s) were fought between the American Revolution and Civil War?

9 - What is Abraham Lincoln known for?

10 - What is the Emancipation Proclamation?
  • Who gave it?
  • What did it do?
11 - Are the above questions in order chronologically?

12 - What is the Civil War and why was it fought? (several answers to this one)

13 - What two Ammendments to the Consitution came after the Civil War?

14 - Name two Presidents that came after Lincoln and before Theodore Roosevelt.

15 - What war was fought wherein Teddy Roosevelt took part?

16 - Which President required a larger bathtub to accomidate his large size?

Anyway, those are only a few questions that cover from the late 1700's until the early 20th century.  Score yourself and see if you can count yourself as one of the few who have a "basic" understanding of U.S. History.

Scary huh?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

About Lebron

It's not that I hate the guy.  I mean, how can you hate someone you don't know?  No, it's really about a dislike born of not really caring much for the guy.... how's that?

Seeing Lebron fail in the finals was almost as awesome as seeing the guy that was picked last hit a home run to win the game....

Too much?

The Havta Gotta Wanna's

To begin today's post, I want to ask you a question.  What motivates you?  Is there a reason you do what you do?

There are three main motivators in life and all others are merely part of those.  These motivators are  Hafta, Gotta, and Wanna.  Side note - The Hafta Gotta Wanna's would be a great name for a band...


The best way to describe this is to think of how a little child responds to being told to clean their room.


"Ah.... Do I havta?"


A person whose motivation is the "havta" is more concerned with consequence than end result.  Sure your room will be clean, but you are more concerned about what will happen to you if you don't clean it than you are about the benefits of a clean room.  There are a lot of people that are motivated by the "havta" mentality, and for some, it helps them get from point A to point B albeit in a less than happy way.

Think of the "havta" as trying to walk across the street by digging under it.  You still get there, but to use the young peoples vernacular, it "sucks".

This brings me to....


To describe the "gotta" (which is where most people are found), think about how you respond to work.  Do you go to work out of fear of being punished or do you go to work for the benefits (i.e. paycheck, health coverage, etc)?  The gotta people do things for the reward, or what's in it for them. 

Where the "havta" fails when you can no longer escalate the punishment, the "gotta" takes over.  I know I was much more likely to eat my spinach if I new it was to be followed by cake.

Call it bribery, or call it incentive, it doesn't matter.  When people know something good will happen, they are more likely to act.


What happens when the chocolate chips you were using as a bribe... er... incentive for you child to use the toilet while potty training, run out?  You and they will likely revert back to the "havta" and punishment will likely result.

The thing is, there is a better way.  If you can get yourself to buy into something so much that you "wanna" do it just because you love doing it, the battle for creating healthy and lasting habits is won.  I keep going back to children on this because it is readily evident in them.  We have gotten our children to buy into the fact that they need Sunday naps, in fact they actually "wanna" take the nap for no other reason than they love Sunday naps.

The "wanna" is defined by people who do things out of love rather than what's in it for them, or potential punishment affixed to inaction.  To further illustrate, think about a time when you participated in a service project and really enjoyed yourself.  What was your motivation?  It was likely because you wanted to help and loved those you were helping.

It really is remarkable how much better life can and will be when you forget yourself and be a "wanna".

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Saftey PSA

Just wanted to take a second today and post something that is on my mind that is a little more serious.  In the spring rivers across the Northern Hemisphere run high high and fast.  Recently there have been way too many cases of children getting swept away in their depths and quite a few deaths.  This is a very sad and horrible thing for anyone to have to go through, and I don't want to in anyway pass blame on anyone because Heaven knows they have been through enough.

That being said, please keep your children away from the rivers and streams.  The water is way too fast and the danger is all too real.  Keep both eyes on your children because even if you are far enough away that you cannot see the water, your children can find it.  This is a tragedy that needs not happen.

Please be vigilant and don't assume that your children or children you see will stay away from the water.

Thank you and please pray for those families who have lost loved ones.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Boogers, Bogies, and Post Nasal Drip

Have you ever come in contact with or in close proximity to someones nasal discharge?  Disgusting, right?  I have been to nice restaurants where the underside of the table is coated with the gooey mess.  It truely is one of life's mysteries why someone would eshew use of a Kleenex for a table bottom.

Today, though, I have one that is more disgusting than that.  I was walking into the bathroom and looked to the right at the janitors closet and saw what appeared to be Ghostbusters ectoplasm dangling from the handle about 4 inches.  Obviously there were no tables nearby and certainly no tissue in the JANITORS CLOSET....

I mean, come on...

Monday, June 6, 2011

Public Stupidity

There are, generally speaking, two types of people in the world.  Smart people who occasionally do dumb things and people who wouldn't know a smart thing if it were dangling like a carrot right in front of them.

It seems that in the world of these two types of people, politicians are not a part of the former group.  Case in point, Representative Weiner of New York.  First, let me say that with a last name like Weiner, surprise should be one of the last emotions you feel when reading about him.

Sending inappropriate pics via Twitter, text, Facebook, or smoke signals qualifies you as a bonehead.  Lying about it makes you a moron, but apologizing for it but not accepting any consequences...

Here's to you, Mr. Weiner.  Clearly a better name for you does not exist.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Uh, What an Alarmingly Large and Blurry Foot You Have

The best way to describe my reaction to unbelievable stories is to call me a skeptic.  If there is gold in Abe Linclons head on Mount Rushmore, why would it still be there?  Even better, why would God tell some random guy  that the world would end when he said that "no man knoweth"?  There is a sucker born every minute, it seems, and worst of all in most cases they procreate faster than the rest of us.

This brings me to today's topic.  Bigfoot.  First, let me say, if there is a bigfoot, I am certain he would rather go by Charlie or Sedgwick rather than bigfoot.  How would you like to be known by your least favorite body feature?  "Hey there Thunder Thighs", or "morning Gigantic Schnoz."

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, have you noticed whenever Sedgwick is filmed it is done by Mr. Blurrycam?  You know the guy, right?  He's the one that goes on a family vacation wanting to keep all of his memories in the best possible format so he brings is 2002 vintage camera phone.  While on his trip, he sees the very latest iPhone being used by the local barkeep and snaps a couple of high quality shots while shaking uncontrollably due to the extreme bladder issues. 

This produces such epic failures such as:


So it should come as no surprise that Mr. Blurrycam couldn't come up with a better shot.  "Oh crap, there's Sedgwick... where's my Samsung ghetto phone?  Ah there it is..."


You see... right there... right next to the tree...

It's either Bigfoot or it isn't.  That is one thing I am sure of...

Friday, May 27, 2011

Bugs In Your Popcorn

So today's post brings me to you a little grossed out.  We keep popcorn in a Rubbermaid container in our pantry and have done so for quite sometime.  While working in my office, I am interrupted by my wife who tells me that we have little bugs in our popcorn.

There is no way, I thought.  How could there be bugs in a Rubbermaid container that can be under water and not allow H2O in?  Well they are there, and multiplying from what I can tell which is even more perplexing.  Turns out that the container acted as an incubator that kept all good stuff in and the bad stuff (predators) out.

The bugs have a startling resemblance to creatures found to inhabit corn in the mid-west.  So, the larvae have been there for a long time.  This leads me unavoidably to the conclusion that we must have ingested some along the way...

Why do I keep getting full body shivers...?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Plank On It vs. Bacon Sundae

There are some crazy things going on out there.  First, there is planking.  The point of planking is to have a person imitate a long plank of wood in some obscure location.  I, for one, do not get it.  With so many more exciting things to spend your time on (Old Maid, tongue piercing, bashing your toe on the corner of the wall etc.) why anyone would want to be a piece of wood?  Apparently it is huge in Australia where several people have been seriously injured or killed.

My favorite... er... not really favorite as that is kind of morbid... we'll call it my non-favorite favorite.  Anyway, this guy gets out on his balcony several stories up and tries to lay on the railing.  He loses his balance and plummets to his doom.  Really.... why would you do this?  Crocodile wrestling too mundane?

This leads me to another bit of craziness.  I went to Denny's the other day and was greeted with something that nearly put my stomach out of commission.  I know some of you probably feel the same way even considering eating at Denny's, so this probably won't seem so weird.  Well, they have a new product that combines a breakfast favorite with ice cream.  No, they did not combine waffles, nor did they combine ice cream with strawberry cream cheese.  Both choices, to me anyway, would have been immediately superior to.....

Bacon Sundae!!!!  The motto for this desert is... "Bacon... The New Chocolate Syrup."  Yeah, yummy.  Next thing they will do is combine orange juice with coffee, or pancakes and corned beef.

Congratulations Denny's... Grand Slam?  Nah, just a bunch of pig meat.

Sticky Situation

Anyone out there recall the song by Alanis Morissette called Ironic?  If yes, then this will make sense.  If not, I will spare you the YouTube video of me lip syncing.... this time...

Anyway, the lyrics point out a few ironic situations and puts them to music.  Wow, at the next Alanis Morissette concert she should be introduced like that.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!  Welcome to a concert where Alanis Morissette puts ironic lyrics to music."

Riveting entertainment for sure.  Anyway, she mentions how irony is like raaaaaaaaaeeaaaiiiinnnn on your wedding day, a free riiiiieeeeiiiide when you've already paid.  It's good adviiiiiice that you just can't take, and who would of thought?  It figgers.

This is a perfect way to bring up the following news story.  So apparently a man in Vermont who worked in the honey business spent three weeks in the hospital due to anaphalactic shock and extreme honey allergy.

It's like being a honnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy worker when you are alllllllllllleeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrgggggiiiiiiicccccccccccc....

It figgers...

Monday, May 23, 2011

Reality vs. Movie Critics

Imagine for a moment that you are a food critic and before you is laid some fresh salmon.  You take a piece of salmon in your fork and put it into your mouth.  You have never tasted something so wonderful as this fish.  The presentation is grand and you smile as your senses are rushed by the wonderful flavor.

Later that evening as you prepare to put pen to paper to review your meal, you instead choose to focus on the shoe laces of the person serving the table next to you.  In excruciating detail the review focuses on those dirty white laces with red and orange polka dots.  Your focus is so intense that the entirety of the meal is forgotten.  Sure you loved the food, but those shoe laces.... just.... arrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

The above is a perfect example of how movie critics work.  Watching a movie like Titanic, they focus on the fact that the iceburg wasn't cold enough.  There are so many movies that I would have missed had I chose to follow the recommendation of the critcs.  As long as I leave the movie feeling that I have not wasted my money, it is good.

I know the above is considered blasphemy in movie critic circles and I will never be invited to the Oscars let alone the Film Reviewers Hot Dog Roast.  I am crying inside... really...

The Day After The End

I guess I always supposed it would be more exciting.  Every movie I have ever seen depicts the end of time as so much more.  I mean, all I did on the day after was my normal routine.  California did not fall into the ocean and the caldera in Yellowstone didn't errupt.  There also weren't gigantic hurricane like systems grabbing enormous amounts of super chilled air from the upper atmosphere plunging the world into a new ice age.

I woke up, took a shower, and spent the day with my family.  Could you imagine going to that movie?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Crentist the Dentist

Okay, so I am a huge office fan.  I have laughed harder at that show than any I can recall in the past.  I have been going through each of the seasons.  This got me to thinking about dentists, which brought me to Bill Cosby...

Happy Friday!!!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

News You Need

Ronald McDonald To Be Fired?

In the grand scheme of things, my opinion is that the fewer clowns in the world the better.  Just who thought clowns were a cute and cuddly way to sell stuff?  Despite my aversion toward clowns, this news is a bit odd.

Ronald McDonald is on the chopping block.  Not because he has gigantic shoes, painted on lips, or a big red nose.  No, he is about to get a pink slip because he is to children like kryptonite is to Superman.  Children just can't resist the temptation of a Happy Meal because Ronald McDonald makes it look so cool.  Sure the food tastes good, but that can't be a reason, right?

Also, to make matters worse, parents can't say no to their kids once they have seen a advertisement that features the McDonald's clown.

Quick question... where does your five year old get his money?  After school job?  Babysitting?  Lego castle designer?  If you are worried about childhood obesity, stop feeding your kids crap, and quit trying to blame it all on a clown.  There are much better things to blame on clowns...

Ahhhhnulllld... The Adulturator.

I have never much liked Arnold, but I couldn't pinpoint a reason.  Sure he can't act, but that's hardly a reason to not like someone.  I am not a good actor, and I like me...

Now, however, I have a great reason to not like him.  Cheating on your wife will put you on my crap list for a long time.  I don't think he could get out of the crap list even if he were a good golfer...

Los Angeles Lakers and Walmart

I am still trying to find a reason to be happier than I was when the Lakers losing in a sweep to the Dallas Mavericks, and then I found this picture.  Here is a man who wakes up in the morning in such a good mood that it doesn't matter what he wears to his local Walmart.

Courtesy of

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


The world will end on January 1 in the year two-thousand and thirty.  I have it on good authority that all the computers in the world will blow up which will cause a chain reaction that will split the Earth into two equal halves.  After a billion years, the two halves will round out and create sister Earths.  One Earth will be perpetually dark and peopled with scientifically advanced 6 foot cockroaches.  The other Earth will be filled with the shoe people.  There will be wars fought where the shoe people mercilessly smash the six foot cockroaches.

Trust me, I am in the KNOW...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Spending Money

Have you noticed the amazing ability people have for spending money?  It's not just our own money either.  We are good at spending others money as well.

It was promised at the outset of this blog that it would never cross paths with politics.  So instead I am going to walk next to politics just close enough to spit on it.

There are some days when I wake up and think, "you know what, I want to buy a Ferrari today."  So I look around at Ferrari prices and realize that they are just a tad out of my price range, so I decide to get a soft drink instead.  Another time during that same day I think of how nice it would be to get my belly button pierced.  Then I think about the needle and how odd it would look in my inny belly button compounded by how bad it would hurt to get it done, and the crazy idea leaves me.

This illustrates two points.  One, people on a budget (see most people) have to make decisions based on what is available to them at the time.  Two, just because you get a crazy idea doesn't mean you have to do it.

Ok, so here is where I walk close to politics.  The way governement works is they make a budget for all the things that it takes for the government to function.  Roads, check.  Healthcare, check.  Oops, we just went 1 trillion dollars over... oh well.  Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we got new shower heads for all the showers in the whole nation so we could save 1 ounce of water every three showers at a cost of 500 billion dollars?  Yep, lets go to Home Depot.  Heck, while we are there, let's just buy Home Depot for 10 billion dollars because we can run it better...

Hey Politics... you've got a little spittle on your face...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


We can only wonder why things happen when and how they do.  Maybe you are a believer in coincidence, which actually means you aren't really a believer in anything.  It could also be that you believe that fate rules your destiny.  When you think about it, this basically means that regardless the decisions you make, what happens was already predestined to happen.  Fate basically removes all need to even think for yourself.  The truth, it seems, is in the middle of these two philosophies.  Coincidence cannot be the governing force in our lives because it would preclude the possibility of consequences for our actions.  Fate too is equally untenable because fate cannot account for all probabilities as their are hundreds and in many times thousands of choices made each day.

We are the product of choices, big and small.  Making the decision to leave ten minutes early may allow me to miss the traffic jam, or it might put me right int he middle of it.  The amazing part of life is how the choices we make can turn into pivot points toward great things.  The only prerequisite to happiness is realizing that you always have a choice.  To paraphrase the English poet W.C. Henley, "We are the masters of our fate.  We are the masters of our souls."  Good words to live by.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there.  Seeing that none of us would be here without you, it's only fitting that you get a day all your own.  Here's to you and everything you are and stand for.  If I had my way, we would do away with Mother's Day.  Why give anyone the excuse to treat mothers with any less love and caring?  Why not serve, love, protect, and otherwise care for your moms all year?

Let's start right here and right now!  Mother's Day is every day!

Happy Mother's day, month, year, decade, and lifetime!  You deserve it!

Friday, May 6, 2011


"I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am the most certain of the first time."

Josh Billings - 19th Century Humorist

Take a moment and look at the picture above?  What do you see?  Trees, nasty water, and grass?  Nice place for a picnic or a peaceful boat ride, right?  Now, look a little closer at the middle of the picture just off to the left.  See it?  The crocodile that nobody sees at first is simply lying in wait for someone or something to come along that was not patient enough to be certain.  Imagine if you had taken one passing glance to determine the safety of this location instead of taking a second or third look to be sure.

How many times have we walked down a dark hallway or into a dark room and our brain is certain that it is safe to walk through there?  We don't turn on the light because we are so firm in our certainty that it would just be a waste of charged particles to flip the switch.  We take one step without issue and then throw caution to the wind and start walking faster.  Step three or four is when we impale our foot on the Lightning McQueen car.

The decisions to look before you leap and to judge the book by what's between the covers are character traits that to a certain extent we all lack experience with.  It is only by doing these things that one can be certain of anything.  Certainty implies effort on our part.  One can never be sure of anything unless they have the patience to view something from all angles and the character to accept when someone shows them an angle they didn't initially think about.

It is interesting that I can't find a good way to end this post... one thing is for certain that this isn't it...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Wise Guy - My Take on the News


First of all, we here at the Wise Guy Blog are not well versed on the names of any major scientific theories, and we certainly don't presume to have any scientific knowledge on anything of any value to most people.  We do have a theory on who let the dogs out and something we like to call the "poop principle", but that is hardly an academic achievement.

Einstein on the other hand, knew his theories.  For example, his theory of relativity states (and here is where our lack of scientific knowledge is on display) that the mass of an object affects both the space and time around that object.  If we had our way we would rename this theory the Fat Guy That Sits Next To Me on the Plane, Squishing Me Into the Window, that Drones On and On About Star Trek and Smells Strongly of Frito's Theory.  If you want to see a practical explanation of Einsteins theory, this is it.  The space you are smashed into as well as how time will literally stand still is all the proof we need that Einstein was right.

You could also try to prove Einstein's theory the way the scientists did using a satellite with gyros in it, but that doesn't drive it home like the Fat Frito Guy on a Plane does.


Los Angeles Lakers -

There is trouble in the land of the misplaced team name.  Down 0-2 to the Dallas Mavericks, it doesn't look good for the Jack Nicholson's guys.  

What am I saying... things are looking great!  The sun is shining and the birds are chirping.  Music is playing and people are dancing.  Mavs and Bulls in the Finals anyone?

Did You Hear the One About Michael Jackson, Marlin Brando, and Elizabeth Taylor?

Okay, so this one is pretty funny.  Apparently Michael Jackson, Marlin Brando and Elizabeth Taylor went on a road trip to get away from New York on 9/11.  They rented a car in Jersey to ride cross country to California.  Marlin Brando had them stop at all the fast food restaurants on the way through... perhaps he made them an offer they couldn't refuse?